Seeking Purpose In This Crazy World

Not a Quitter

2011-10-25T12:37:00.003-04:00

Alright, I had quit writing...mostly because I am pretty sure I am the only one that reads this stupid blog and even I get tired of myself. However, I think I might give it a whirl again. Today I think I am going to start with some randoms in my life these days...

1. Did you hear the story about the guy in Ohio that let his 50+ exotic pets loose and then killed himself? I ask you why... 1. Did someone own 50+ exotic pets? 2. Did he let them all loose knowing they would be a threat to others? 3. Didn't the officials come up with ways to capture the animals that weren't necessary a threat instead of killing so many? 4. Aren't there better laws about exotic pets.

Can you imagine driving down the road and seeing warnings signs cautioning you about exotic animals on the loose??!? It's like a real live Jumanji in Ohio!! Thankfully Dad lived far enough away that he was never in danger, but still that is a little scary.

2. It's Halloween time!! I used to like to get dressed up as a kid, but it never quite held the same thrill to me as other holidays. However, as I have gotten older, Halloween in more of a sport to me now. As a child you just went with an angel, or witch or clown, etc. Nothing too original. Now as an adult, you strive for originality, beauty, humor, to out do one another. For the past 7 years, my boss has put on a Halloween tradition of a costume party and prizes. Each year I try to create a costume to out do myself over and over. I had only bested at 3rd place until last year... last year I WON!! I thought it was a funny costume, but everyone thought it was great. I went as....

... Flo!! Too funny. Although the pic is disgusting. So this year I am out to beat myself. I spent several hours and some dinero to make sure I have something good this year... I can't WAIT to see what everyone else comes up with.

3. I am thinking Open Enrollment might actually kill me this year. I know I say it every year, but I don't see how this one will not be the worst one yet. I could go into excruciating detail, but I won't. I will just leave it at the plans are not best laid.

4. October is a sad month for me. It's the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. Even after 4 years it still cuts like a knife to my heart. I miss him every day. But October is also breast cancer awareness and I am VERY aware that breast cancer is prevalent in my family. My grandmother is a survivor, but she still fights every day to stay on this side of her cancer. It's hard to watch such a horrible disease take a toll on family members.

5. I am struggling with depression...even though I hate admitting it. All the medications that I am currently taking don't really help. Actually I can see how they mess with my head. But, it's an end to a means. Sometimes you have to weigh your choices. Right now, the choice to not bleed to death outweighs my crazy head. It just irritates me that I can see the physical and mental changes to my mind and body and my reactions and relationships with the outside world. Still just trying to adjust I guess. At least as I read health forums I take some comfort that I am not the only one.

6. I am struggling greatly with finding true joy for others in their happiness. I am happy, I am. I swear, but there is a huge part of me that resents others because I can figure out why they get to have what they want, and I don't. I am struggling with the thought "deserve". Do they deserve it and I don't? What did they do different then me that I don't deserve it. I am holding on to an anger that my friend has a baby, a baby that she loves, but she didn't even want to necessary have. A baby that my body physical yearns for. I struggle watching others who jump from relationship to relationship, never feeling that dull loneliness of being alone all the time. The friends who not only jump from relationship to relationship, but the ones that have been married, divorced and are marrying again. Why do they get to do it again and I still get a chance to find my soul mate at all?? Like I said, I AM happy for them, I just struggle with my internal feelings about my own despair and not getting what I want.

7. And because I don't want to end on a depressing note... There is a father/son duo that work here at the office. The father is well known for saying wildly inappropriate things and the son pushes the envelope I would say. The other day I chose to wear a leopard print cardigan to the office. I was sitting at my computer engrossed in my project. I then hear a "purring" sound from my doorway. There stands the son literally purring at me. "Rowr, animal print...I like it...Can I touch it??" I instantly want to wretch, tear the sweater from my skin and burn it in an impressive bonfire in the middle of my office. However, I give him a sideways look and choose to ignore it. Gag.Me.

I guess I had more on my mind then I thought. I will try to be better about writing, but really it's only myself to be held accountable to...?

Don't know which I hate more...

2011-09-23T13:18:00.002-04:00

I don't know which is worse...

Getting a hot flash that is so intensely miserable that no amount of stripping, streaking or canoodling with bags of frozen peas will even begin to touch. Sweat dripping from each and every pore of your body, looking like you took a shower and forgot to dry off before getting dressed. The hair sticking to your forehead and neck like super glued spider webs. The panic that the heat will never absorb. The fear that others will look at you with such disdain and disgust.

-OR-

Getting cold chills that feel like ice blades cutting through to your bones. Feeling like you reside inside a snow globe of lung squeezing coldness. Layering sweaters upon sweaters, snuggling with Mr. Space Heater, threatening to get a snuggie.

At some point I guess I have to talk about it

2011-09-02T08:28:00.002-04:00

I have been avoiding thinking about it. For so many weeks I drove myself insane with worry. I created a monster within myself. I made myself sick and crazy.

Turns out it's not the end of the world, it's not major... it's not cancer. Which is what I was truly afraid of.

However, for me this is something that could be potentially life changing.

It started so long ago. It's been going on for most of 2011. (*Disclaimer** I am about to start speaking about feminine troubles so look away if you don't want to know.) I started the year off with a bang bleeding... bleeding so much I thought there was a crime scene in my pants!! I bled for weeks and then some more. I went to the doctor. No light at the end of the tunnel, but then the bleeding stopped for a while. And it was blissful.

Bliss can only last so long. Then the bleeding was back. Oh boy was is back. At this point I am starting to think it would be beneficial so start buying stock in Kotex because this is where all my money was going. I couldn't believe that I wasn't literally bleeding to death because it just wouldn't stop.

I start to wonder maybe it's my medicine that I am taking? Maybe it's stress? It certainly couldn't be something wrong with my body. I take a little trip over to see my doctor. She freaks out when she realizes this has been going on for 11 weeks straight this time. She then robs my body of what little blood is left.

The next morning at 8:07 I receive a call from the doctor personally, not the nurse to tell me that I am extremely anemic. Normal hemoglobin in women is 12. I was an 8. A 7 lands you in the hospital for blood transfusions! Can we just say I had some serious waterworks at this point. Now I am more scared then ever. The doctor informs me that I am to see a specialist, a specialist who works with women with uterine disorders. A specialist that I must seen within the next week, no matter what. Ok, I thought I was scared, now I am beyond consolable.

I meet with the specialist who examines me to the best of her ability given that the bleeding has still not stopped. She prescribes me some hormones to try to stop the bleeding and then proceeds to rob me of the last of my blood sources (from the same vein as a couple days prior btw!!) I am sure my body might now rival that of a cadaver. Yeesh!

I am then scheduled for a battery of tests and ultrasounds at the hospital. Hands down the WORST experience of my life. No joke. I ended up having a hysterical breakdown...literally with the nurse present. It was painful and terrifying and I would never wish that pain on anyone. I hobbled my way out to the car, called my mother and sobbed for a good 20 minutes over the phone until I was almost calm enough to drive myself home... where I proceeded to alternate the day between crying or not crying.

It took over a week before I got ANY results back and my mind was on over drive. I felt like crap, I was dying of pain and convinced I had cancer.

So like I said, not cancer. Instead diagnoses is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I guess this is fairly common, especially in women of child bearing age. As I started researching PCOS I started to realize that alot of things going on with my body now made sense...the thinning hair, the weight gain that I can't control, the mood disorders, the high blood pressure, etc. There is no cure for PCOS. It's not earth shattering. It does mean that I have to take hormones every month to balance out the hormone imbalances I have. It does mean I have to be very aware of my cycles. It does mean that my ovaries are not great....

...It does mean the very probable difficulty in becoming pregnant some day down the road. Let's just be honest. This was the root of the problem and the true fear in this whole thing for me. Anyone who knows me in real life or anyone who has ever read this blog knows that all I want out of life is to be a mother. To have babies. To be with child. The realization that this will be very difficult or impossible is a heart wrenching reality to have to come to terms with. This is not what I had in mind for my future. A future where I have to tell a potential mate that I may be broken, I may not be able to produce a child. A future where the only round belly I see when I look down is my big fat belly, not a pregnant belly. A future where I will never hold a child that is a part of me.

I understand that my dream of becoming a mother is not completely gone. I know there are other options. I know that it is still possible that I won't have any problems. I know all of these things. But I also know that it could all be true. That is what I have to accept and live with. It's a decision I would not make for myself, but it is possibly a decision someone else has made for me... someone who knows me better than me...someone who has other plans for my future than I do.

For now, I live with this information, the fear a constant companion until the day I know for sure if that fear is a reality. For now, I watch my friends have babies, love their babies and hold out hope that someone they will love my babies.

Punished for being single!

2011-08-18T12:54:00.002-04:00

I just came across a nice little article on MSN.com today. I am certainly glad that I now have one more thing to add to my list of growing concerns!

Really. Does it not seem single people sometimes are "punished" for being single. I know I personally feel this way!

First my pikachu (code for my girly bits!) is broken, more then likely from lack of use and downright being ignored! and now this story. So basically I am going to die a young virgin because I am not married. That is the lesson I am taking with me today.

*Disclaimer. The pikachu thing is a long story which I am choosing not to discuss just yet. I am still having tests ran to see what the heck is going on and until I know what and how serious it is I will be acting as though it is not happening.*

Fb is a complete mood killer

2011-07-24T21:31:00.002-04:00

I am beginning to hate Facebook. Do you want to hate yourself, hate your life, hate your friends... just log in to Facebook and your mission is accomplished.

I WANT to be happy for my friends and family, truly I do. But I can't help but want to delete them all and try again.

As the perpetual singleton, seeing the constant news feeds of ABC went from "Single" to "In a Relationship" and XYZ went from "Engaged" to "Married" I want to hurl. Yea for them. My status still says "Single" with no hopes in site. I have actually deleted status from my profile because I REFUSE to be defined by this.

And you get to see glorious pictures of their adorable families. My family pics consist of me and my dog. Yeah, be jealous.

As a new added bonus, you now get to see all of their glorious check ins, simply mocking you as you sit in your pjs... alone... on a Saturday night.

Facebook and I use to be friends, but I think that friendship is quickly becoming a very unhealthy relationship.

I don't need to log on to a site just to feel berated for being a failure in all things called "My Life".

My Future Husband is NOT going to be found on a dating site!

2011-05-26T11:49:00.002-04:00

I have been hesitant about delving back into the world of Internet Dating. I have had a very mixed bag reaction to Internet Dating in the past. I have met some freaks, I have met some nice to meet you but no thanks, I have met some significant relationships and I have met the man I was planning to marry.

I am at that age though that it's hard to meet new people. And where do you meet new people? I had a couple friends who have been strongly encouraging me to give the Internet another shot.

So I did.

I mentioned the last date I went on that was NOT a good experience. But I still continued to persevere... slightly begrudgingly.

Last night... Oh Last night... this was THE moment. The moment where I knew I would not be finding my future mate on a dating website. The moment where I knew that I needed to delete my profile. The moment where I knew that God would let my future mate come to me on HIS terms, not mine....

... The moment where I was propositioned by a couple!!!!!

Yes folks, I open my email and as I continue to read my mouth drops further and further to the ground. I'm seeing a lot of pronouns in the plural. Mentions of how attractive I am to both of them. How they like to to hike and be adventurous. Then the "how adventurous" am I question comes up suggestively, especially in regards to what I like to do with my friends and how I make friends. I didn't know whether to cry, laugh, feel flattered or vomit. I think actually I did all of the above. At the end they did apologize if they offended me by sending the email. I guess kudos to them for that??

As soon as I read the email, then reread it to my roommates, I deleted it, exited out of my account and shut off the computer. I think deleting my profile might be on tonight's agenda.

Emotional Beat Down

2011-05-18T18:25:00.003-04:00

Leave it to me to let it all come bubble up and for me to have emotional diarrhea of the mouth while talking to my dad on the way home from work. I have had a lot on my mind lately and I am struggling with how to deal with it all.

The simple truth? I am unhappy. Those three words summarize this stage of my life. Why so unhappy? It's a combination of small things that I constantly struggle with, and complain about, but yet can't seem to find the answer.

The last couple weeks I have been simmering in my personal emotional stew. I have swimming around in said stew, desperately avoiding coming in contact with that which I am avoiding.

I broke down this evening and fessed up to my dad that I feel like a loser and a disappointment, not only to myself, but to everyone else as well. I started telling him my plan for how I was going to fix my financial crisis... this plan failed me. I am struggling to get out of it but it's an endless cycle that just shoves me down like a little first grader on the playground of life every day, over and over. I mentioned speaking to my grandparents about it and that's when my verbal onslaught took over and the tears threatened to drown me in the car. I am a disappointment. I am in a dead end job that has no prospects and I can't find anything else. I am fat and no one loves the fat girl. My friends have left me because they have a better life without me. I am not smart or talented like my plethora of cousins. I don't have a husband or a home of my own like my brother. I just feel worthless.

Before you get mad, I know, I KNOW that I should take it all back. But honestly, you can't help feeling this way when your insecurities over whelm and choke back the life inside everyday. I used to think I was at least beautiful on the inside, but now I am starting to feel like I am starting to match my unattractive exterior.

At what point is it ok to just get upset and give up fighting. I mean at work, I have been there for 7 and a half years. Yet somehow I have yet to prove myself as a valuable employee. I just get knocked down another notch every day. I get tossed around like I am stupid and I have learned SO MUCH while there, jumping in and taking the slack whenever asked whether I wanted to or not. But today just shoved it down my throat that it will never change and I am replaceable on a whim.

I think I often sabotage myself in a lot of ways. Especially the being fat. If I find someone that loves me fat, then they REALLY love me right?? How do I trust I won't get hurt again , like ALWAYS, if he loves me for a "package" that I present.

How do I wrap up a package and wrap it in a beautiful ribbon knowing that when the package is opened it's a disappointment?

Arranged Marriages ... Yes Please!

2011-05-13T13:00:00.002-04:00

The more time I spend in the dating world the more I begin to think there is some serious logic behind the whole arranged marriages idea. Maybe we need to be a little more proactive with this thinking here in good old America! I am about 2.5 seconds away from jumping on this bandwagon.

I mean seriously. I have mentioned it before and I will say it again. I HATE dating. This latest foray is just one step closing to me giving up.

I have dated:

Mr. Super Competitive - He actually threw his putter in my direction when a rousing round of putt putt wasn't going his way.

Mr. Can My Kid Call You Mom? - Thanks for the heads up that you even HAD a kid!

Mr. Stalker - Three years later, 60 miles away found me at my new job. Scary!

Mr. I Only Go On Dates to Get Laid - I bought you dinner, now you OWE me.

Mr. Pretentious - Completely made fun of me for my uncouth cuisine knowledge at an ethnic restaurant.

Mr. Future Pastor - I'm going to be a Pastor and you are NOT cut out to be a Pastor's wife.

Mr. Too Cool for School - I run my own business, I own the world and I am great at sex. Accept my greatness.

Mr. My Band is Going to Make Me Famous - My band comes first, oh and groupies come second.

Mr. Football/Basketball/Baseball - Sports and Beer rule my life.

Mr. Overkill - I changed my FB status to "In a Relationship", this is date # 2. Ruuuuuuuuuunnnnn!!

Mr. Putt Putt Troll - My all time fav!

Mr. Halitosis Hal the Serial Proposer - the latest addition.

Mr. Halitosis Hal the Serial Proposer - Shows up looking unkempt with about 1/8 the hair as I was led to believe, breath so bad I could smell upon walking up. He proceeds to question me about past relationships and then drops the bomb on me that he has been engaged THREE times, "Not married, but engaged, more than once. But it's complicated." Uhm what??? Are you ticklish? No. Let me check (READ: I just want an excuse to touch you). This was not the first or last time with the touching (He reached down and tried to tickle my FEET like an hour later!) Repulsive. Then the weird lingery hug. Lastly, the leer and lean as he tried to make a move because I "owed" him for my dinner.

Tonight a phone call to my parents might be on the agenda so they can work on starting the arrangements and preparing my dowry.

OK Computer

2011-05-10T16:14:00.002-04:00

Pardon me for a moment, I am trying to make my way home from Memory Lane.... *sighs*

I was listening to my Pandora radio and Radiohead came on. All of the sudden I got this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and apparently also felt a need to crush my soul for the evening.

You see, my best friend/first love/soulmate/everything I ever thought I needed/9 soul crushing years of my best years friend was slightly obsessed with the OK Computer album in high school. I listen to these songs (as I am now on my computer bc I TOTALLY bought the album to bc I am THAT girl!) I am immediately transported back to a time so long ago. A time I never imagined would come to an end. A time when life was so carefree. A time when my only and biggest fear was that he would never love me the way that I loved him.

This was a friend with whom my whole existence revolved around. The moment we became friends, we became a unit. This was not a secret. EVERYONE knew that we were a match set...not to be separated. Few tried to break us apart, but few succeeded in their missions.

I told him ME, shared ME, was ME, truly and wholly with him. We didn't have secrets. We KNEW each other. He felt like the part of me that had missing up until he came into my life.

To say we had an unusual, sometimes crushing relationship might be an understatement. We were friends for so long I didn't know how to tell him I loved him and wanted more. The day the words came spilling out of my mouth was first time he broke my heart. He walked out the door. Literally. He came back a couple days later told me to forget I said, forget I felt it, and to make sure everything stayed the same. I tried, honest I did. I was successful for a while. But then I obviously got the wheels turning in his mind. A couple months later I was casually dating a couple people (that's a story in itself!). He drove by my house really late and night and discovered someone with whom I had a significant past parked out front. To say he got jealous would be giving him too much credit. He came to get me the next day and then drove me out to "our" place in the park. Then he confessed he wanted me. I immediately dropped all the others and ran into his open arms. This was the BEST summer! ... and sadly that was all it lasted that time.

Throughout the rest of high school we had a very up and down relationship of being friends/being more/being friends. He would just tell me he wasn't ready to be what I needed, but wanted to be. We still continued to share a mountain of memories, events, dates, parties, prom, late night drives (while listening to Radiohead, the whole POINT to this rambly post), and all the high school things kids do.

Then it came to a head. I started to date someone else...seriously. This was a problem ... HUGE problem. They hated each other and each wanted me to pick them and both tried to keep me from the other. It was ugly and for the first time in years I lost my best friend. The one person whom I wanted to talk to more then anything about how unhappy I was that I had lost someone so important to me.

I eventually dropped my serious boyfriend to be with him instead and he denied me. Talk about only wanting what he can't have. This time he disappeared. 100% NO communication. It was horrible. I went back to the boyfriend, but my heart wasn't into it. He found out and hated me a little more with each day. How dare he was all I could think. I quit my life to be a part of his and he left me.

That first Christmas when he came home from school we started have secret rendezvous and eventually confessed that we were both more in love with one another then ever. Boyfriend went away and we instantly were an item. We started dating officially as adults. It was glorious. It last several months. But then he changed. College was a different experience for him then me and it was changing us too much. We decided to cut our losses.

He then had to come home for school for a while and we wasted no time falling back into our old routine and I was a HAPPY girl. But sadly it still wouldn't last. We did this back and forth thing that just kept killing our friendship a little more each day with the pain being caused. Neither one of us doubted the love, but couldn't make it work.

Then I had an epiphany. This is NOT what is should be. So I sadly told him we were done, completely. No contact. He had broken me and I couldn't be put together with him watching. I needed to be away from him and it was the HARDEST thing I ever did and say. We went a year with no contact.

He has since made an appearance back in my life, but I have constantly held him at a guarded distance. I don't trust that I won't get hurt again and I can't recover from that again.

Despite all this, he still was and will always be my first love. I have so many good memories of him that the bad will never outweigh. I still have our entire relationship boxed up in the top of my closet. My ONLY relationship I have kept. I try to keep myself from opening that box, but everyone once in a while I open it and delve into a time so long ago. A time of carefree joyous love that I will never share with anyone else.

A time when we drove down the dark country highway, windows down, wind blowing through our hair, Radiohead blasting, driving out to see the stars and just BE with one another.

Holy Hotness Batman!

2011-05-09T16:10:00.002-04:00

Holy Hotness Batman!! It's 80 degrees in my office. Really?? You think I jest?? If my phone could upload pics I would prove it to you.

Who wants to sweat? Who wants to sweat in their DRESS clothes for pete's sake?? I mean I know my sexiness is overwhelming to begin with when I drag my tired ass up out of bed, poke my contacts in, take a shower, shake off the water, swab some mascara on and head into work. But sweat?? That brings it to a whole other level!

Here I sit at my desk, with my completely flat, stringy hair (which btw I actually CURLED this morning!!) with raccoon eyes, the rest of my makeup melting off at a rapid rate; my dress is clinging to me in ALL the wrong ways, legs sticking to these tacky plastic chairs where you might actually rip your skin off each time you try to stand up. All my focus going to how many drips of sweat down my back and cleavage might result in some odor emanating from my office door. If I wanted to look like I had just returned from the gym with my manly sweat look I would have gone to the GYM!!

Here's the best part. The coworker next door... is COLD and ready for this....HAD HER HEATER ON!! I had threatened her about doing this so she waited until I left for lunch, ran it for a little bit and turned it back off before I returned. Ironically I said upon my return (before I knew this) "It seems even hotter in here now then before I left!" Um probably since the sneak had ran her heater!

I have rummaged through my drawers and found a tiny fan, placed it about 1/2 an inche from my face, drying out my contacts and ruining the last of the curl in my string bean hair. Really it's not helping, but mentally it makes me feel like it is!

Happy Monday ya'll!

P.S. It supposed to be 86 degrees here tomorrow, any bets on how hot it gets in the office before I start stripping??

My Bucket List

2011-05-02T15:36:00.003-04:00

I was watching a few minutes of the movie The Bucket List yesterday. It's a great movie if you haven't seen it before! Anywho, this got me to thinking some. I had a pretty good idea of what I would put on my list, but I started writing it down. Here's what I got:

Become a mother

Marry my soul mate

Celebrate my 50th Wedding Anniversary

Be a foster parent

Own my own home

Swim with dolphins

Go to Disney World

Go on an African safari

Go skydiving

Learn to fly a plane

Travel the world

Own a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes

Live by the ocean

Learn to play the guitar

Learn to play the piano

Go on a long term Mission trip

Become a photographer

Complete a triathlon

Take a sailing trip

Climb a mountain

Visit a volcano

Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef

Master a foreign language

Kiss someone at the top of the Eiffel Tower

If you had to come up with a bucket list, what would be on yours?

Getting a Loan

2011-04-07T09:05:00.003-04:00

I am going to have to get a loan. I can no longer afford to put gas in my car! I stopped pumping fuel when I hit the $50 mark last night. That got me almost 3/4 a tank. Sheesh! I need to move into my office so the commute doesn't kill me anymore. Also, no more trips back home to see family and friends.

After pumping my gas I returned to my car where immediately an "older gentleman" walked up to my partially open window, asked if I wanted his business card so that he could "clean up your car a little". I want no such thing, thank you. It creeped me out to say the least.

Also, yesterday was a highly windy day. What did I wear? A knee length dress. Not my smartest idea. Trying to pump gas and hold my dress down to keep the shows at a minimum was a challenge. Although not as challenging as when I brought lunch back for me and the girls. I had two bags with food, a drink carrier, my suitcase I call a purse, and then trying to hold the dress. I was a sight.

I'm not sure, but I think that about an extra 3000 people have moved to my city this week. The traffic on the interstate is beyond comprehensible. Plus then let's talk about the cops on patrol this week. There were 6 police officers that had pulled over people in the 17 mile stretch I take around the interstate on my way home Monday! Do you KNOW what that does to rush hour traffic in a highly congested area anyway?? Plus I am really glad to know that my tax dollars have gone to making sure the po po get to cruise around in chargers, corvettes and tricked out expeditions. Truly.

My computer at home is dead. Well maybe just sick. I don't know. My brother has it to doctor it. However, here are the MAJOR flaws with this... I can't get on FB which is killing me very slowly, I can't access my itunes and my ipod is full of my brother's crap music from where we traded ipods for a week, and All of my pics from the last 10 years are on there along with my resume.

Did you know the average woman has 17 pairs of shoes? Well unless like are about 6 women using my closet, I believe I am well above the average! Woops! I can't help that I like shoes. When you are fat, shoes and jewelry are the things you don't have to worry about not fitting like clothes. Know what I mean?

While we are on the subject of averages... Did you know the average person has 28 first kisses? Uh, not quite sure, but this may make me "promiscuous". I have had plenty more "relationships" in my 30 years of life then 28. Then there was the 3 year period of my life where it was my goal to get drunk and kiss a guy at a bar every weekend. Does this mean since I am well over the 28 I don't "deserve" any more first kisses?

Now I know why I am so tired every day. My brain is on overdrive!

What would you do if you won?

2011-04-04T09:55:00.002-04:00

I was inspired by a fellow blogger this morning. You may or may not have noticed that a couple weeks ago the Mega Millions jackpot was a staggering $132 million. Jeesh! I had joked around a couple times about playing, but I don't really play the lottery. I broke down and bought 2 tickets, knowing full well it was 100% frivolous expense. But hey, you can't win if you don't play. There was much discussion around the office as to what you would spend the money on if you won. Which got me to thinking...how would you spend that kind of money if you won? I guess my answer was surprising to some. I didn't think it would be, but I guess maybe I know myself better then others! ha! If I were to win the lottery, here is how I would break down my spending.

I would donate a large chunk to the church and school.

I would pay off all my debt... credit cards and student loan be gone!

I would give money to my family.

I would purchase a house on the beach.

I would purchase a home here... no more apartment dwelling for this little lady!

I would quit my job and become a full time foster parent.

I would spend some time traveling and buying clothes and shoes and accessories.

I would put the rest into savings and investments.

I would love to be able to be a foster mom. I can share my love for children and helping others. I could give of myself wholly with nothing in return. I can give children the things that are not privileged to have. I would foster parent now, except I do not have a home of my own, or room for children, nor am I in a financially stable place. But if I was....

Why did I get up today?

2011-04-01T10:52:00.002-04:00

1. Why did I get up today? 2. When I awoke, my actual eyeballs felt like they have been punched a hundred times through out the night. Uugh. 3. Then roomies dog poops in my doorway to my bedroom. Awesome. 4. I have to keep the dogs from trying to attack the muskrat living in the pond behind the house. 5. I am out of breakfast food and try to get some on the way to work making me slightly late to work. Oh well. 6. I was covering for a payroll processor this week while she was on vacation...fun times. 7. I was told yesterday they wouldn't need my help today. 8. I have processed 3 payrolls already. 9. One I messed up from earlier in the week. I talked to the client FOUR times this morning before getting it all straightened out. Delightful. 10. My roomie texts me. "Izzie ran away when we let her out. Her collar came right off over her neck. Chris is still going after her, but she just keeps running." 11. My response... "BETTER by an April fool's joke." 12. It was. 13. Checked my bank account this morning and was saddened by the fact that I will be stuck here all weekend trying to hide from my roommate's family coming this weekend rather then going to my parent's house instead. 14. Had a little discussion with my co-worker trying to decide whether or not we liked the Grey's Anatomy musical last night. I think we both decided the it was a little cheesy, but a good episode over all. 15. I am threatening several of the bosses right now since they are taking to calling me "sunshine" based on my sunny morning disposition. Gag. 16. Just had to explain the implication behind bow chicka wow wow to a co-worker. 17. But things did pick up when co worker brought her new grandbaby around to show everyone. So cute!! 18. Small enough I could have stuck her in my pocket and ran... 19. But I refrained. 20. I think I will just keep looking at my cute head band every time I go to the bathroom and that should make the day all that better. Happy Friday!

A couple things...

2011-03-24T11:35:00.003-04:00

1. I imagine that if FB were not blocked on my work computer, my status would read something like this right now:

2. Stephanie just sat through the most ri-DONK-ulous meeting of her life, got mad enough to drop her first ever F bomb and then proceeded to feast on Robin's eggs until it was necessary to evacuate the contents of her stomach. awesome.

3. So there you have the last 2 hours of my life... how about yours?

4. While on the topic of Robin's eggs... ya'll know what I am talking about right?? it's the malted milk balls in chocolate candy shells. It's an Easter candy. LOVE them.

5. Ironically yesterday while I was obsessively feasting, I did offer to share with a co-worker. I proceeded to show her part of my fascination with this candy as a child. We just to wet the outside shell with our tongue and then wipe the eggs across our lips using them as "lipstick". The white, blue or purple ones were the best because they were so outrageous. Of course I demonstrated for her. We got a good laugh out of it.

6. My favorite blog to follow posted this quote today that has got me really thinking. I printed the quote and stuck on my board next to my computer. I have several emotions wrapped up in this quote, neat in a neat and tidy bow by any means. I think I need more time to sort out what I interpret before I will elaborate though.

7. The longer I sit here today the more I wish that I had stuck with the initiative to call off sick because of my monster headache. Gorging on the Robin's egg probably didn't help.

8. I just had a totally random conversation about dirty pictures with stick figures and I about fell out of my chair.

9. Now that my stomach is empty it's on to obsessing about my lunch plans... Do I want Cracker Barrel that the girls want? Or do I really want the pizza I have mentioned a handful of times now? Or maybe I should just stick with the lunch I brought in the fridge?

10. Too many decisions.

When will I be enough?

2011-03-23T11:58:00.002-04:00

I struggled this past week. I can see both sides of the argument. Truly I can. But I must tell you, my side is the one that I internalize and basis my feelings off of. I was on vacation this last week. Bestie and I went to Florida and stayed with my gma and gpa. I love my grandparents dearly. I spent a lot of time with them during my lifetime. I think sometimes my grandma says things with the best of intentions, but doesn't realize how hurtful it can be, especially to someone as sensitive as myself. I struggle with my weight... alot. I have always tended to be on the heavy side, starting when I was young. The older I have gotten the heavier I have gotten and the harder I have to work at it. Twice since I have been out of school I have killed myself to get my weight down. The first time I dropped about 35 lbs and felt much better about myself. The second time I dropped almost 60 lbs and felt really good about myself. Both times I was on the Atkins diet. Any other diet I have tried has failed me. I work out, I run, I try. Lately I have been really trying again and it's not working. I have considered Atkins again but it is a HARD diet and it makes me miserable. I want to find success else where, besides virtually starving myself. My family has always been supportive to the point of sabotaging it for me. I need a cheerleader but not a dictator when it comes to my health and weight. The family hasn't seemed to find this medium with me. They make me feel like a failure before I can even get started. Despite them all knowing that I am trying, I get snide, pushy remarks at all times. Well while I was on vacation we were all sitting around the dinner table. It of course turns to my weight and diet and what a failure I am. I get reminded that I am no younger, that no man will want me looking like this, that it's holding me back, yada yada. The next morning my gma pulls me aside to tell me she got me something. She shows me a huge stack of diet books and cookbooks. I realize she thought she was doing something nice for me. I do. However, for someone who constantly feels attacked about her weight, for someone who struggles with body issues, for someone with no confidence, for someone who feels defeated at the lack of success, this was not helpful, but rather hurtful. I asked bestie later that day if she thought my gma would just ever love me for ME? She acted like this was the dumbest question ever. But of course she is stick thin, eats like crazy, and doesn't have to worry about it. At what point is just being me enough? What if I am fat my whole life? I am a waste because of this? Do I matter less then others because I failed at my weight? I am such a failure in many other ways to them and I feel like this is just one more thing for them to add to their list of what a screw up I am. I'm certain I am being over sensitive, but it still hurts.

It's Probably Best....

2011-03-08T16:24:00.003-05:00

It's probably best...I don't have a window in my second story office. It's also probably best that more then half the windows in this old building don't even work. Knowing my life, I would get halfway through the window and the old strings would break and I would get trapped with one arm/leg hanging out the window.

It's probably best...if I start charging admission to my life. I swear I couldn't make up half the crap that happens to me. I only wish my writing style came close to capturing what I talk like!

It's probably best...that I have an office job rather then a job that makes me drive alot. I would take road rage to a whole new level if I spent more then hour I do now driving on the interstate now.

It's probably best...that I don't like my car. If I did, I would be really upset about the ginormous potholes that swallow your car whole!

It's probably best...that I am going on vacation in 3 days. I think myself and my coworkers can both use a break from grumpy mcgrumperson sitting at my desk.

It's probably best...that I don't smoke or like to drink that much. I would for sure be chain smoking hung over fool every day of my life.

It's probably best...I die my hair on a monthly basis. Otherwise my grey hair would for sure be starting to show stress.

It's probably best...that my office is next to the bathroom. Given the frequency with which I need to visit said bathroom, I would have to wear depends for sure otherwise. Nothing says sexy like a little crinkle of plastic under your dress pants.

It's probably best...that I am single. I like to shop way too much to be unselfish with my money.

It's probably best...if I keep my fantasizing so myself. I think some people think I am insane when I declare that musicians will see me in a crowd and realize I am the love of their life.

It's probably best...that I am too broke to eat out all the time. Otherwise I might be the size of a DOUBLE wide.

It's probably best...if I quit reading celebrity gossip. All it does is fill my head with useless knowledge and I talk about these people like I know them. No really, I will casually mention a celebrity name like you are supposed to know who I am talking about.

It's probably best...that I quit jacking around and go home. Yay!

Baby named Facebook

2011-02-22T09:28:00.003-05:00

I love the news. Just when you think you might have heard it all...you see this little gem.

An Egyptian man named his daughter Facebook.

Really? Facebook? I get the fact that you want to honor the reason for the revolution in Egypt. I do. How are you going to name your kid Facebook?

I think I am going to Facebook Facebook. Maybe she will be as famous as the little poofy dog I saw has one of the highest fans sites the other day.

What is happening to our young generation? I am all for having a less "generic" name for my babies, but outlandish? I think not.

Why do people pick random objects for children's names? Celebrities are the worst too! Apple, Jet, Suri...

When I am talking to my children's friends I don't want to be thinking of snacking on apple wedges and carmel, or flying to the beach, or riding through a pasture in an old surrey wagon.

I personally think the guys just wanted a little "free" publicity. And hey why not?? The news reported that Baby Facebook received several nice gifts to celebrate her birth.

Happy Birthday Baby Facebook. I hope you survive the constant ridicule!

Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night

2011-02-11T08:09:00.002-05:00

I am CRACking up just looking at this picture! Roomie had thrown who knows what in the trash but it had been sitting in there for too long and it was the most incredible smell of my life. We couldn't even open the laundry room door because the smell was so powerful. To top it off we lived on a third floor apartment on the complete opposite side of the complex where the trash compacter was. We argued over who would be the poor fool that had to take it out and carry it all the way over there. I won in the end. However, my equally dramatic roommate expressed clearly had bad it was! I nearly peed my pants over this one!

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

2011-02-10T13:41:00.002-05:00

I am obsessed with watching TV and I am very loyal to a tremendous amount of shows. I waste entirely too much time watching TV. So this is a hard to pick one as my favorite!

Admittedly, the show on two of it's season has led me into such huge emotional crisis' it's hard to fathom. I love the medical jargon and knowledge, I love the love triangles, I love the drama. Very rarely, but it does happen that the story lines out too out landish (like Meredith dying a couple times). I get wrapped up in and after seven years of watching it I am addicted.

Day 02 - A picture of the person you have been closest with the longest

2011-02-09T13:03:00.004-05:00

Day 02 - A picture of the person you have been closest with the longest

This is my friend Erin and I after running in a race together...I am pretty sure it was 91 degrees still and this is at 8:00 at night!

Erin and I met 16 years ago in the 8th grade. We had all of our classes but one together our first semester. We instantly bonded over stupid inside jokes, the love of a same guy and our insanely ridiculous humor. We were very similar in our likes and dislikes and we completely relished in each other's quirks.

During our friendship, we have watched each other hurt, love, laugh, see great life changes and grow tremendously.

Over the last two years I have seen this friendship change given that she is now married and has step children and one of her own on the way. This is to be expected.

While I have many friends that I have known longer, we are not nor have we been consistently close for as long a period of time as Erin and I.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with at least 10 facts

2011-02-08T08:56:00.002-05:00

A picture of yourself with at least 10 facts...

1. I believe in God as my one true Savior and believe He is the reason for all things in my life.

2. I am a hopeless romantic.

3. I know that I am destined to be a mommy.

4. I am obsessed with Celebrity Gossip.

5. My biggest pet peeve is soggy bottoms on my pants.

6. Cheese is my main food group.

7. I love wearing high heels, the sexier the better!

8. I am convinced that my writing skills are based on the writing utensil.

9. I am OCD with a side of ADHD.

10. I LOVE to talk.

30 Day Picture Challenge

2011-02-08T08:53:00.001-05:00

I will try to get better at consistent posts, but really I think I am the only one that holds myself accountable to these posts. Regardless, I borrowed this from some FB folks and thought I would run with it.

[ ] Day 01 - A picture of yourself with at least 10 facts
[ ] Day 02 - A picture of the person you have been closest with the longest
[ ] Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
[ ] Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night
[ ] Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
[ ] Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
[ ] Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
[ ] Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
[ ] Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
[ ] Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most crazy/strange things with
[ ] Day 11 - A picture of something you love
[ ] Day 12 - A picture of something you hate
[ ] Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
[ ] Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
[ ] Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
[ ] Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
[ ] Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
[ ] Day 18 - A picture from last summer
[ ] Day 19 - A picture and a letter
[ ] Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
[ ] Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
[ ] Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
[ ] Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
[ ] Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
[ ] Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day
[ ] Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
[ ] Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
[ ] Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
[ ] Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
[ ] Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

What you see is what you get...mostly

2011-01-20T14:02:00.002-05:00

It is going to take a special person to be with me...

I'm just saying...

I'm a little quirky.

I realized this the other night when I was talking to my PPB. I was complaining about my impromptu roommate and having to share my space and my things (without asking mind you!). I saw the look on his face and it made me wonder...What is he thinking? Does he agree? Does he think I'm off my rocker? Respond darnit! But kids came in and I had to get back to my room.

To my future mate....some things to consider....

I don't leave dirty dishes in the sink...EVER. It's a simple thing really. Really.
I am a firm believer in toothpaste being squeezed from the bottom up and toilet paper ALWAYS goes under, NEVER over. I will flip it back to under in 2.3 seconds flat if you try to even be funny about it.
I will try on about 15 outfits each morning before inevitably choosing the first one, and leave the remaining 14 to feel sorry for themselves on the floor all morning.
I like the snooze button. Let me rephrase... I LOVE the snooze button.
I like to rotate the same 10-15 things to eat. I will cook, but hate to do so for just myself.
I think they everyone thinks it's funny when I quote movies in almost EVERY conversation of my life.
I am dedicated to my tv shows and will speak about people as if they are real and my friends.
I will never be that girl that forgets her "previous" life when I meet you and fall madly in love. I will be equally devoted to both you and them.
I love personal, ALONE time. I am sure that I love you dearly, but there are moments when it is best to just "disappear" for a couple hours.
I am NOT a morning person... NOT. I'm sure you will fear me.
I sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a fool while in my car. Accept it. Be embarrassed, but it will never stop.
I like to just stand there in the shower with hot water raining over my body for 20 minutes... make enough money for our gas bill.
I am obsessive about stocking my bathroom with any and all things I might EVER need to look beautiful.
Even when packing for an 1-2 night stay, I require a suitcase. I pack enough for 3 weeks, just in case my mood changes.
I kiss my dog on the lips. Accept that the lips you are kissing might have just kissed the dog first.
I love the scent of my man on my things, even his. Be aware that I will at some point steal something that smells of you.
I keep all my debit receipts in my wallet until it is about ready to explode before entering them in my checkbook.
I like to spend weekends in my sweats, no shower, greasy hair piled on top of my head watching movies on the couch.
I HATE to shave... I think I must have been Armenian in my previous life and I am certainly NOT going to shave everyday... Just consider my your little "teddy bear" in the winter time!
I don't like sexy underwear... I like COMFORT. Don't expect anything less. However, if sexy underwear are on, you better drop yours quick because I am sure that is a sign of what is to come.
At the ripe age of 30, I still wear my retainers to bed at night, along with a sleep mask. I'm sexy, accept it.

Love me, embrace me, accept. I am set in my ways.

B Movie Role

2011-01-19T14:37:00.006-05:00

I surprisingly got a part in a B Movie a couple weekends ago. It was rather exciting. Lest, you think I am slightly serious, let me ascertain for you that I am being completely facetious in making this statement. However, at the time of the occurrence, it seemed like I was surely in the middle of a movie scene or being punked at least.

Like I told my father when I called to tell him this, "Dad, let me first say, we are all alright." Where does your mind go...I wrecked my car right? If only that was what I followed with...

"Dad, I have never in my life been so scared. There was a shooting last night across the street, technically it ended in the street. Dad the house was hit with bullets. We have bullets in our house."

Now crying hysterically.

"I'm sorry Dad. I don't know what I am crying so hard now. I managed to keep it together last night when it happened and all night and morning until just now when I called you. It's probably because this is the first time I have truly allowed myself to be in the moment. That and the complete lack of sleep from last."

Ok, ok, slow down and tell me what happened. I don't understand.

"I was sitting upstairs on my bed talking to bestie on the phone. All of a sudden I hear a pop, pop, pop. I instantly froze, heart racing and kind of screeched out an Oh My God! Then I hear pop, pop, pop, tires screeching down the road, pop, pop, pop. At this point I have jumped off the bed and am army crawling, dog and phone in tow across my bedroom floor. Roomie comes running up the stairs screaming my name. I assure her that I am ok. Then she makes sure that I am down on the ground. I open my door and crawl out into the hallway with her and the dogs. Roomie's husband calls 911 and we reported what we heard."

Did the police come?

"Uh yeah. Despite me trying to get her to convince me it was fireworks, we were in fact assured that it was gunfire. We peeped out the windows for about an hour when we saw some police officers waiving some neighbors over to talk to them. We sent husband outside to find out what's going on. That's when we saw it, the bullet hole in the wall right outside our front door. We flagged down the cop to come check it out. Dad, that bullet came in through the front of the garage door, and exited the side wall shot across our yard and went in the bedroom window of our elderly neighbors."

What kind of gun was he using???

"It certainly wasn't a toy gun!!!"

But you guys are all ok?

"Yeah, but it's on the news with our address so I figured I better call you before you found out.

The story continues on, but throughout the day, we found out what took place outside that night, which turned out to be a custody argument gone bad. No one was hurt, the shooter is still at large. The neighbors on the other side got a bullet in their garage that missed the gas can by about an inch, and another bullet that went in the front bedroom wall, out the side and came into the office in our house, bounced off the opposite wall and was lying on the floor.

It was a supremely scary moment, not one I ever anticipated to have to live through. Just goes to show that no matter where you live, even in good areas, you are not always safe.

Here are a couple pics of the evidence left by a man with anger issues.

Hello Thirty! ... wish I was more excited to meet you.

2011-01-18T13:59:00.003-05:00

This week has been looming over my head for quite a while now...I have been sensing it's imminent arrival...the dread...

I turn THIRTY on Thursday. I cannot believe that I have run headlong into a new decade so quickly.

I'm not ready for this. You know why? Because I have not accomplished ONE of my life paths/goals for this age in my life. I always thought by thirty I would be married, having babies, in a beautiful home, have a career, moved away...

However, I am single, more then likely barren from lack of use, sharing a home with friends (their home), in a dead end job and I live less then 60 miles from my parents home I grew up in.

I don't want to be that girl wallow in turning 30, I really don't, but this one hurts. It hurts as I am surrounded by everyone getting everything that I want and desire. It hurts that I have no one to celebrate the moment with. It hurts that while it is monumental for me for known and unknown reasons, it's just another day that will go on unrecognized.

You know what else sucks about it while I'm on the subject?? My roommate and I have the SAME birthday! So I have to share my big day! Bleh. It's sucks that my birthday often gets rolled into Christmas as it is, then I get my day and it's "Eh, you already got your Christmas/birthday present."

Why does turning thirty make me feel like more of a loser then any other day of the week. My situation has not changed, but now people look at me and think, "Oh, she's THIRTY!, what is she WAITING for?? She's not getting any younger!"

Just ask my mother who so kindly said in front of a table full of my family at Christmas, well maybe you should quit worrying about having kids...you're getting kind of old and I don't think you are healthy (read THIN) enough to have babies now. Thanks mom, really.

So cheers to you Thirty...may you be better to me then Twenty was!

P.S. Also, after a large month long sabbatical, please note that I have FOUR topics lined up to discuss! Maybe Thirty will make me more dedicated!

Season of Change

2010-12-11T23:38:00.002-05:00

As I lay on my bed, tears staining my face, staring at my new little Christmas tree in my room...I ponder on the changes in my life.

My life has become a constant season of change. As soon as I get used to the changes, something new changes again. Some changes results of actions in my life, some changes through no control of my own.

I thrive on routine and dependability. Change confuses me, scares me. I hate change. I realize this is a strong word, but I do. Even if in the end the change is good and I begin to like, I will always initially hate it.

I am staring at a tree...a tree that is mine, but not my tree. My tree is large and full and green. My tree is spotted with ornaments of my childhood, angels and nativities and beautiful lights. My tree is comfort. It is not my mother's tree, but my tree. A tree that I modeled after my mother's tree. A grown up's tree.

This year I am living in a home where I rent a room. There is a Christmas tree downstairs...it is not my tree. It has no meaning for me nor does it represent me. Realizing that I live in a home where that is all I simply do. I LIVE here, but it is not my home. These are choices I have made. A decision that has it's merits.

I have a tree in my bedroom. This is not my tree. It is small and sparse and white. It does not have my ornaments, ornaments given and made from love. It is a lovely tree, but this tree does not fulfill my need for Christmas spirit. The tree is an attempt to create the feeling of my own tree on a smaller scale.

My spirit is broken this year. Too many things are different. I have seen the changes in the last couple years and they break me down. I am greatly devoted to tradition. Tradition is broken. I have not made any changes in my life that would cause traditions to be broken, yet each year a little more is broken bit by bit.

My family dynamic has changed. My grandpa is not here. I don't hear is deep warm voice calling out to me from the hallway anymore wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas. My uncle is not here, sitting in his unofficial assigned seat grousing about all the toys and clothes the girls have gotten for Christmas that he has to figure out how to get back to their home. My brother is missing from too many meals and gatherings because he has to split his time between our family and his wife's. This year saw a turn that my dad couldn't be here because he lives too far away.

These missing pieces create a sadness that stirs deep within my heart. A sadness I cannot fix. I sit here pondering how do I accept that change? How do I make new traditions? How do I put away the fear that so much more can change?

Notes from the desk of...

2010-11-08T13:21:00.004-05:00

I start blogs and then don't finish them for multiple reasons. I don't feel like I articulating what I am trying to convey, I don't want to share all the details, I don't think it's really funny. Who knows. So then I delete them. Well I have some thoughts rumbling around upstairs that I am just going to touch on today, some good, some bad.

I am sick, again. It's only been a couple of weeks since I got rid of my 6 week bronchitis. Not. Thrilled.
My PPB is cheating on me with his girlfriend. How dare he??? Although, we did have an incredible conversation the other night at work about marriage, dating, living together, etc.
Work. Sucks. Enough said.
I went on rather impromptu vacation two weeks ago to Florida where I got to spend some time with my grandparents and lay in the sun, ALONE for FOUR days. Bliss.
Really starting to see the effects of age on said grandparents and now am a little heartbroken.
Sad that my dad is on call over Thanksgiving break which means he can't come home. So now my mom and I are going to him. So much for a big family meal. Very hard for me to accept change.
My body has lost it's mind. I need to go to doctor to get so many things checked out and I keep putting it off.
I have the most incredibly sexy red shoes that I wish I could wear every day!
Can't decided whether or not to cut my hair off short again or keep it long?? hhmmmm
I'm depressed and I keep trying to hide it.
I watched an incredibly moving, sad, beautiful movie this weekend that I highly recommend, just make sure to purchase Kleenex with the movie. Letters to God.
Finally found Jodi Piccoult's newest book at the library and I wish life would stand still long enough for me to read all 500+ pages already!
Ssshhhh, it's a secret, so don't tell anyone, but I am really starting to get into some country songs. Bah!
I'm really missing my bestie lately, but I try not to tell her that too often so I don't make her feel bad.
I'm amazed that it was freezing and snowing on Friday night, but it's now 70 degrees and bright and sunny. Got to love Indiana weather.
I have fed the mountain dew addiction and everything seems just a hint better.
I'm struggling with all the people in my life trying to force me into the dating world, A. like it's easy, B. like I'm incomplete without a mate, and C. despite my insistence that I do not want to date right now.
Tonight I am on the hunt for the perfect black purse. Wish me luck

Wouldn't you go crazy if you were in my head for just one day???

Strive for...

2010-10-20T12:44:00.003-04:00

I have made no secrets of wanting to be married, have babies. To be successful in a relationship. Let me give you a glimpse of what I strive for.

Meet my grandma and grandpa. They have been married 53 years! I am not sure when this picture was taken. I was looking through files on my mom's computer and found this picture over the weekend. I have a physical reaction when I look at this. It brings tears of joy and sadness to my eyes. Tears of joy because the honest, loving look at a private moment between lovers and tears of sadness because I have no love in my life, especially not the 'til death do you part kind of love.

My grandparents have set such a shining example for us kids and grand kids. They actually were set up on a blind date. I think I always get caught up in the romanticism of that fact. Two people brought together by someone who knew them to be so compatible with one another. My grandpa was so diligent in making sure he was prepared mentally, physically and financially before he was to take my grandma as his wife. Hence the reason that grandpa was 27 before they married, which was "old" by those standards, and certainly broke the precedent with his brothers who are both younger and both been married longer then him.

I love to spend time with the two of them. They crack me up. When they fight it's usually just grandma picking at him, him saying an oddball thing or just blowing it off and it's done and over with. If that is all the "fighting" we are subjected to does it even count? But when they think no one is really looking you will catch them grasping hands or a squeeze of the shoulders.

I can remember as a child, my grandpa would come home for lunch everyday. My mom and grandma would be working in the basement and I would be playing down there with my toys. The clock would strike 12 every day upstairs. Then the phone would ring. I would rush over and answer the phone and grandpa would say, "Stephanie! Tell grandma I'm on my way home." Then the three of us would rush upstairs and grandma and I would make him lunch so when he got there it would be ready.

I love having meals with them. We can sit for hours just talking and they tell me stories after stories of growing up on the farms and what their families were like. They tell stories on my mom and aunt's, things they would never tell us themselves.

While they are not a "flashy" couple, they are comfortable. And they each do their own small things to show their love for one another. The most notable thing to use as an example...when they purchased the home they are in now, they painted the garage. On the inside of the garage door, my grandpa painted a huge "I Love U" on it. To this date 30 some odd years later it's still there, never painted over even though the rest of the garage has been painted time and time again.

I long for the days that I can celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary. I yearn to find a love that is so great and want to spend 50 years with! I pray to the Lord that he finds me a mate that is perfect me as my grandma and grandpa are for one another.

You know you are doing something wrong when....

2010-10-18T08:47:00.002-04:00

I had just spent the majority of my afternoon with my grandmother. Yesterday marked three years since that passing of my grandfather. So we picked up grandma and took her with us to the cemetary to visit with grandpa. Then afterward we headed back to the house to perform her weekly to do list. We then all said our goodbyes.

So when my phone rang a couple hours later while I was driving back to town I was surprised. A. because grandma doesn't really ever call me and B. because I had just spent the day with her.

She calls and tells me she had been on the internet and was thinking of me.

Thinking of me? Really? Why's that?

Well there was some news story about Tips for Dating and I thought of you. It says a good place to meet guys is in a coffee shop. Have you ever tried to meet guys at a coffee shop?

No grandma, I haven't gone to a coffee shop with that in mind. Especially since I hate coffee or the smell of it for that matter. But I will remember that.

Well it says the a possible conversation topic would be to ask him about his drink. You should try this.

Sure grandma, that would probably work. I will remember this.

Well I just thought maybe some tips might help you find a date. There's more in the news story if you want to go on the internet and find it. It's in the news stories.

Ok grandma. I will go look at the news stories.

Now I want money too.

Excuse me? Money? Like what? A broker's fee for "finding" me a date.

Well yeah! Money for doing the work.

Well ok then. I guess if I go to the coffee shop and find a date, I will pay you for that.

Ok, honey, just let me know how it goes. I was just thinking about you and how you need to find a man. That's all. Talk to you soon. Love you.

Ok grandma, love you too.

Apparently grandma thinks my approach to finding men is lacking in the fact that I am not finding a man.

Last Night...

2010-10-15T16:07:00.002-04:00

...was the first time in a while that I had a good night and was happy, even if it was temporary.

I left job #1 and headed over to job #2. The boss man was out of town so immediately the mood was different. When I work, the only people working are boss man, boss man's wife, my PPB and me. If I don't have kids in the room with me, I have to "stay busy" which I believe to mean is code for clean! I did about a half an hour or cleaning, my normal "let's see if this kills enough time for some kids to show up" cleaning. No success. However, boss man wasn't there to send me out on a new "job". So my PPB and I just stood and talked for a while. We talked about life, work, living conditions, vacations, music, etc. It was good enjoyable talk. Plus he is so freaking gorgeous that I just like to watch him! ha! Someone came in a couple hours later to fill in for boss man, someone that PPB and I neither one like. We had a good time at her expense to say the least.

Finally, my favorite little chicklet showed up. She sat down in front of me and we just talked for like a half hour. She just jabbered on and on about switching hair, the bird on my shirt, the fact that we had matching colors on our clothes, me coming to her house, (but I had to get a car seat first so I could come to her HOOOOUSSSEEE!). Then she just got plain goofy. She was giggling, running, twirling, you name it. PPB kept coming back to see what we were up to because we were laughing so much. He played along with us for a while, chased her, made faces. It was so much fun, just her and me, letting loose.

Just as she was leaving, my favorite chick showed up. A lot of times, it's just him and me. Because of this we joke about being bffs. He's adorable (like a couple nights ago when he was playing with a new little ((Hispanic)) chicklet, but he kept calling, Dora!!! Because she looked like Dora the Explorer!!!), but he is a little ruffin who likes to ruff house. I don't mind when it's just us in the room. So we played games, chase, tag, tickled, good times. Once again, PPB came in because he couldn't understand all the laughing.

I spent a little bit more time chatting with PPB (who by the way suggested I live with some of his friends! Um...I don't know if I could physically be capable of spending any more time with him without throwing him to the ground and attacking him!). We'll see about that.

I thought about it on the drive home and pondered how these two little chicklets get to me and break down the bullshit of the day and make it fun. I didn't have to stress out about the boss, or other kids getting into trouble. I just stopped everything, got on their level and just played! And LAUGHED...HARD. Funny how kids can do that without even trying. I just forgot about what people thought, lets my worries go, was just a big kid with them.

I'm in Hiding...

2010-10-12T12:22:00.002-04:00

... although I'm sure that no one has really noticed given my small number of followers! lol.

Not sure what the deal is. I get on almost every day and check to see what everyone else has to say, but yet when I get to my login in page I just stare like "What great things do I have to say today?" Nothing, that is the answer. I have nothing great to say. Then I move on.

I have been in a weird place lately. I am feeling very out of place in my life. I feel like nothing fits me any more. I know this is an odd statement to make, but I don't know where I belong anymore. I have outgrown the life I have created for myself lately.

My job and I are not suited for each other, my living situation does not cater to my personality, my friends are very different from whom I am. It's an awkward feeling, not knowing where you should be.

I have been struggling with a lot of feelings that I have not been dealing with. I have seen a lot of change and heartache with people in my life here lately, none of which are my story to tell, but it all affects me the same. I struggle with whom to tell what parts of my life to and what parts to keep all my own. I struggle with which feelings I feel I can own and which feelings I feel like I need to abandon.

I feel as though I am in a transitional phase. More like my life is smothering me. I am trying to make decisions and I feel like I am on this crazy time table that I can't live up to. (Do you think it's the dreaded 3-0 that is staring down the barrel for me...ready to come swallow me up in a new age bracket?) No matter. I fear that if I don't make changes or figure it all out, it will all stay the same...FOREVER. I know that I can make changes at any time, but I feel stuck.

I am paralyzed with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I CAN'T figure things out. I know so little of what I want, but I know what I don't want. I don't want the life I have now. I want to move, but where? Do I move close, do I move far? I want to live on the beach...but can I leave my family and friends behind to do so? I want to be a wife and mother...but I need to find a man first...which of course would require dating and I DON'T date...both because I don't want to and because no one is even asking me.

Unsettled, passionless. These are the two words I would use to describe my life at this point.

Conversations with 4-year-old chicklets

2010-08-20T08:18:00.002-04:00

I love having "serious" conversations with my chicks and chicklets at work. Last night, I had a group of four little girls with me. We were all sitting around the table dressing and playing with polly pocket dolls. The chicklets were all 4 years old.

Chicklet #1: "Is she your daughter (pointing to a young little brown haired beauty I had been speaking to.)?

Me: "No."

Chicklet #1: "Why not?"

Brown beauty: "I'm am my FATHER's daughter!!"

Me: "I don't have any daughters."

Chicklet #1: "Why you not have daughters?"

Me: "I don't have a husband."

Chicklet #2: "You have to have a husband to have daughters. You get married first and then you have babies, right?"

Me: "Yes. First you get married and then you have babies."

Chicklet #2: "Why do you not have a husband?"

Me: "Well, don't you have to find a good husband first? You get married for forever right? So I want to make sure I pick a good husband to have babies with. And I haven't found the right one yet."

Chicklet #1: "Sometimes it's not always forever. My mommy and daddy got in a big fight and she told him to get out of the house."

Me: "So your daddy doesn't live with you anymore?"

Chicklet #1: "Oh, he lives with us. They don't fight anymore."

Chicklet #2: "My mommy and daddy are married. They REALLY love each other. That's why I have brothers and sisters!"

Me: "They love each other very much then."

Chicklet #1: "You get rings when you get married. Pretty rings. Did you know that?"

Me: "Yes I did know that. But getting a ring is not a reason to get married. You have to love each other very much first. Then you get a ring, then you get married, then you have babies."

Chicklet #1: "Yep!"

**Sigh** I love these kids. They are so funny, sweet and sincere. I wish I could bottle up their innocence and keep them that way forever.

Consuming

2010-08-19T08:16:00.003-04:00

A year later why does he still consume too many of my thoughts?

When will it end?

I just keep the heartbreak alive with each moment of weakness that I allow him

to be a part of my future.

"Clutter is a physical manifestation of fear that cripples

our ability to grow." -H.G. Chissell

How can I grow into my future when I am

surrounded by the clutter of my past?

Are you one of those people that hold too much of the past

in physical reminders?

I tried to de-clutter my life.

Emptying out the material possessions of my past.

While it felt good temporarily, did it make my past cease to exist?

No.

Would I would my past to cease existence?

No.

My past is what made me who I am.

Yet who I am to become is lost to who I was.

It's a cycle I understand, but how do you achieve this cycle?

How do I let go and live on?

Lately I have had quite a bit of my past resurfacing. It's surreal really.

You don't think of people or things and then suddenly there they are.

I seem to be living in this moment of limbo, or rather desiring a chance to

re-live these moments.

There are times that I wish so badly to go back to, and I can't.

Yet nothing compares to these moments, so I don't forge ahead.

Trying to find a moment to out do the last.

I no longer want to live my past. There is a reason it is my past.

What is my future?

Stick em Up!

2010-08-17T22:05:00.007-04:00

It's the little things in life for me....I discovered sticky notes tonight! woot woot! So without further ado...

Notes to all the "Gentleman" out there...

2010-08-09T10:59:00.003-04:00

Dear Walmart Pick-up Artists-

I know that there has to inevitably be some gathering of the Walmart Pick-up Artists that meets on Sunday afternoons while I grocery shop. Please, do not seek me out. Please do not use your gorilla warfare, sorry, "pick-up" tactics on me. When I look away, run down the aisle, ignore you, etc., please do not mean this as, let me chase down the aisle after you in my pants that are falling off my ass, my backwards hat, sandals, chain so big it has to be defying the laws of gravity, singing a little rap, and jam my cart in your way. Please do not speak to me. Certainly not to say "Damn you fine", "How you doin'?" or "What's your name?" ala Joey Tribiani style. This will not work. I am there to shop for groceries, certainly not pick up men. If I were interested, I assure you, there would be some indication that I would like to foster a conversation with you. Until then, please avoid me with the same determination that I avoid you with.

Sincerely,
Peeved off with Disgusting Suitors

Dear Drive By Window Hollerer-

When I am driving down the road, with my windows down, minding my own business, I do not desire to be accosted by the likes of you. Shouting "Hey Baby", licking your lips, breaking you neck to sneak another creep peek, is not flattering. Rather it makes me want to hurl obscenities at you. What exactly do you propose to be the purpose of the gesture? Do you think I am going to scream my phone number out the window to you? Do you think I am going to invite you to follow me home? Do you think this will make a lasting relationship? My thoughts are NO to all of the above. Please drive with your eyes forward, your mouth shut. This is how I drive and would prefer the same of you.

Sincerely,
Windows closed by default

Dear Fellow Fishers-

When I signed on to a free dating site, I realized there was a certain class of fish to be found. I was hoping there might be some decency out there. After all I did find my first love while fishing. However, there seems to be too many fish in this pond, and I have obviously gotten a hold of some bad bait. I am apparently the only one with a memory. If you have already contacted me and I have not reciprocated, please do not continue to email me over and over again. This only annoys me. If you are just breezing through sending an email to each and every person who strikes your fancy with no regards to what you are doing, who you have or have not responded to, or what you are saying, you are not my type. If you do not at least give off the air of someone who cares, I will not be interested. Garner my attention, say something different, write more then one sentence. If there are parameters for someone who would be of interest to me and you clearly do not fall in these categories, do not contact me. Do not make explicit remarks to me. Do not tell me how fine I am. Innuendos are a definite no. I would rather be alone by all means.

Sincerely,

Not interested in Bottom-Dwellers

Excited about Herpes?!?!

2010-07-12T11:32:00.002-04:00

I have never in my life been so excited for the possibility of acquiring herpes!! Yes...you read right...excited!...HERPES!!

You may or may not have heard of a gentleman by the name of Bret Michaels...also known as lead singer of Poison?? I MAY have a slight crush on him. Yes, I do in fact realize that he could be my father, but who the heck cares? I find him delightfully sexy for some reason. Don't get me wrong, he can be a D-bag at times, but then I look at him and watch him sing and I forget all about it.

My bestie and I "fell for him" while watching the ridiculous Rock of Love series. We were more disgusted by the ladies on the show then the antics of Bret himself. We constantly joked about him and spoke of him like we were friends.

This memorial day, the one and only Bret Michaels will be playing downtown for our RibFest America festival. It's a cost of $5 to get into the park for the entire event. Um hello?? What BETTER way is there to spend FIVE DOLLARS!!!?!?!? I tell bestie this weekend that he is coming and it has been a non stop topic of conversation with us since. Bret does like the larger chest which benefits me but not bestie! hehe. So we are devising our plans to get his attention, go back stage and make out with him. Let's just say that my natural assets will be utilized....

We have decided that the likelihood is great for catching herpes if not worse, but really when it comes down to it, it's BRET MICHAELS who would have given it to us! So worth it, it might make it a little cool? We have drawn clear cut lines of what we will and will not allow. Kissing, with tongue, and he's allowed to touch a boob, but no more. We are ladies after all! Bestie has permission from her bf to make out with Bret as well.

We are all set.....except Bret has to want to make out with US!!! I think we are hot enough to persuade him. No??

A Bad Friend?

2010-06-09T10:06:00.002-04:00

I try to downplay, and honestly don't really remember for sure how much I have shared on here, my desire for children.

My desire for children consumes majority of my waking thoughts every day.

My body yearns for a child. I ache for the touch of newborn child's fingers twisted around mine. To feel my baby's breath as she sleeps in my arms. To have fun running around blowing bubbles in the backyard on a warm summer's evening. To sit at the kitchen table eating cookies listening to his first day of school and how much fun he had. To comfort her after the first guy breaks her heart. To sit shot gun teaching him how to drive his first car. To watch her walk down that aisle knowing someone else will try to take care of her better then I ever could. To see him hold his first child with tears in his eyes.

I want babies. It's like that scene from Baby Mama...everyone where Tina Fey looks she sees babies, even in the faces of her board members during work. This is how I feel.

I am at the point in my life where my friends and family are approaching the baby phase and I have to be happy and supportive for them. And I am, but that doesn't mean that I don't shed a tear while they aren't looking.

This brings me to my point. Over the weekend, my friends, both married of course, start talking about babies, and when they are going to have them. One has been married for two years now and is starting to feel the "pressure". Her husband is older and ready. She still wants to be that 20-something that has freedom to do what she wants and party. She starts telling us her reasons for not wanting children at this time. Her list goes on and on...not ready...money...will hurt Steph's feelings...timing...wait what??? I'm on her list of reasons for not having a baby??

She proceeds to tell me she knows how hard it would be for me for her to have a baby. She doesn't want to ruin our friendship by making me resent her for having what I most want. The tears instantly begin to sting the back of my eyes. I feel terrible. I feel guilty. Am I a bad friend? I have by no means meant to displace my desires so strongly upon my friends. Certainly not to the point that they are worried to have children!!

I assured her that there had been been some damn fine reasons for not wanting to give me a little "niece" or "nephew" besides my name on a list! I told her I would not lie to her, I would be sad for a moment, maybe shed a tear, but then I would suck it up and start working on how to be the best aunt that kid has ever seen!

FML Friday

2010-05-21T08:19:00.004-04:00

I don't really have a story, just a list of things that make my "life" suck, you know? How about some bullets?

Did you know that not only am I a benefits specialist, but also a payroll processor, human resource associate and a receptionist? Well I get to wear all the above hats at work today. Yeah!
My ex-best friend and my ex-boyfriend married a few months ago. (They even had the nerve to invite me.) I know right?!? To top that off I just found out they are expecting a baby, a baby with the name that I have picked for my future child. I want to scream.
My roommates were going to be away next weekend I thought, but rather they and their family are going to be at the house. Do I spend money I don't have to go home and sit with my family or do I sit with their family all weekend feeling awkward?
I'm frustrated that my bestie seems to be MIA. I have been trying to call and text her for almost two weeks to no avail...what the frick gives?
I hate when people make snarky remarks in an email like a coward....especially when 20 minutes prior you had actually discussed it over the phone!!!! I mean really? Really??!??

Nothing major...just current frustrations. Stay tuned. I'm sure that next Friday I can come up with something better!

I can't stand even myself sometimes...

2010-05-14T13:21:00.005-04:00

I apologize in advance...this is a long one.

I have been one hell of a person here lately. Sometimes this is really awkward writing on here because some of you are truly my friends and family in real life. Part of the appeal of the blog world is to be able to freely write and put it out there where while some might stumble across it some days, it's "anonymous". Despite this, I do make some confessions with a very jaded and humbled heart.

That being said...

I am broken. I am broken from the inside out. I was looking at a picture on my desktop today and it really just hit me. The girl in the photo was happy. The girl in the photo had a sparkle in her eye. The girl in the photo was comfortable with herself. The girl in the photo lived for the moment, not in the past. The girl in the photo was alive.

It's just a few days past the anniversary of the break up with the man I thought I was going to spend my forever with. The person I was a year ago and the person I am today are two completely different people. Everything about my life is different. My physical appearance, my relationship with God, my future, my dreams, my friends....

A year ago I felt great about my life. I was in love. I was in school working on finding a new career to make myself feel needed and find a place in the world. I was physically fit. I was attending church regularly and spending time in the Word. I had a group of friends I had been friends with for many years.

After a lot of thinking about this the last couple days I realize that I blame others for all that has changed rather then accept the blame myself.

I blame him. The minute he broke my heart is the minute everything changed. He convinced me we were happy, in love and going to be my forever. He made me open myself up and become vulnerable to a point I told myself I would never allow. He told me he loved me and the next day he was gone. His stripping of the that love threw me into a darkness I had never known before. I spent days in that darkness, my mind constantly consumed by the darkness. A few days later I started taking my finals and I flunked out of nursing school by two points. What if I hadn't been crying, what if I had been studying hard and better? What if I hadn't been distracted? Then I wouldn't have gotten too low of a grade on my final.

Then I wouldn't have lost my financial aid and my spot in the program. I wouldn't have had to take a break from the new plan I had to get myself out of a place I hate. Then it wouldn't have mattered when my hours were cut because I still would have financial aid. I wouldn't have been living off my credit cards putting myself into a financial ruin that I can't get out from under. I wouldn't have been so busy and so consumed that I wouldn't have had a chance to say good-bye to my uncle. I wouldn't have been so depressed that I ate everything in site and gained back every pound of fat that I had worked so hard to drop. I wouldn't have had to spend the last year dealing with the repercussions of that moment that happened so quickly when he said good-bye.

I have also been grappling with why has my relationship with God changed? I went back and forth on this for a while and I think I finally came to the realization that it's because I blame God for my life. Don't judge/hate me. I know this is wrong. But bear with me. God gave me all these things. They were all possible because of and through him. The man, school, work, financial stability, etc. They were all God's doing. Why did he give me all these things and then strip me of them? What did I do that caused him to rip the happiness right out from under me?? Was I not thankful enough? Was I not giving Him enough of my time and energy?

I thought I had been doing it right. For so long I was doing it wrong. I didn't hand it to God. If anything that relationship with Music Man was a saving grace to me and my relationship with God. I was stronger then I had ever been while with Him. Music Man encouraged me, he pushed me, he forced me and while I have lost much respect for him, I do still take that small piece of that relationship with me. To the point though, since that moment I had been giving it to God, trusting God, thanking God.

At this point, how do you know? Trust? While it should be, I think there needs to be a system of checks and balances, a reward system. You pee in the potty, you get a cheerio. You say your prayers everyday, you get a date on a Saturday night. Why put forth all the effort and desire, put 100% into God, and then still have nothing, still get everything ripped from me?

I know this all sounds awful. And I apologize for that. I have to be honest with myself though or how to I fix myself? I know I am broken, I know there are reasons to be broken. I know I need to get over these things. I know that the excuses are getting fewer and farther between. I know actions that need to be taken. I know the tone that I have set and continue to set. It's bad. But knowing this is half the battle right?

Trust me, I am working on this. I am working hard to find my happiness, to get un-broken. Like I said before I can't even stand myself, why would anyone else right now?

We interrupt this program....

2010-05-04T11:49:00.003-04:00

...for a bit of a reality check.

Yesterday was the mother of all bitchslaps across the face. I will try not to be whiny, but it was a hard, scary day for me. I am also sharing this knowing how it will reflect badly on me.

I had been not feeling right physically and knew something was off. I had been keeping myself aware of some of my readings for the last month and it concerned me. So I put on my big girl panties, made a doctor's appointment and headed off to "fix" my broken self.

I had a list of concerns and desires going in, literally, on a cheery little post-it. My number one concern was my unusually high blood pressure. They take my weight (which was like 8 lbs more then my scale at home!) and height (which said I grew by an inch-WEIRD) and was marched into the office. They take my BP and I get a nice 178/92. Holy cow!!! We start addressing my concerns, complaints, assess the best plan, etc. Overall this part of the appointment took an hour. I was given my "homework" until next month when I return:

Start taking BP meds

Start the DASH diet

Restrict my sodium to less then 2g/day

No caffeine, especially after noon

Minimum 30 mins exercise EVERY day

Lose some weight

Meet three new friends at the gym

Then I was whisked away to have an EKG, X-ray, and blood work performed, more blood work this weekend.

Does this sound scary in the least?? I know that my ripe 29-year old body was near the edge of a breakdown. I started to tear up a little with the doctor b/c I was so freaked out. She was very comforting and told me to quit beating myself up, that together we would fix everything. We agreed this was number one problem to fix and next month assuming this was being better controlled and we were sure there were not some underlying issues, we would move down the list to my next set of concerns.

I was very overwhelmed to say the least.

Then...last night was my first appointment with my personal trainer at the gym I just joined. I have exercised very little in the last few months. My life has just not afforded the opportunity. I knew I had some work to do, but I was very surprised.

After my initial assessment, I was fighting back tears with him and we had even started the workout. He could tell that my doctor extravaganza had scared the hell out of me and that this was very important to me. He assured me that we would do it. I tried to make the situation a little lighter for both our sakes....He asked what I want to work on and I told him to get rid of my baby gut since I didn't have a baby, my chicken wings (aka the built in air conditioner if I wave) and to no longer fear starting a fire walking down the hall with my thighs. He actually wrote this down verbatim on my assessment paperwork since he thought it was so funny.

We start the work out and I thought for a moment I had found his evil terrorist twin by accident when I finished warming up. He was kicking my booty and I wanted to reach over and punch him, but I couldn't even stand up I was so broken. He worked me until I was swallowing back the vomit, literally.

We were both VERY discouraged by what I had accomplished and he could see how upset I was by it. We sat and talked for a bit more. We have worked out a plan of action combined with the doctor's orders.

It just feels very heavy right now. I know that I am partially to blame for what is going on right now, but not for all of it. The doctor got on my about my negativity hard core yesterday. She assures me that I am not at fault, there are factors working against me. That until I get a positive spin on everything I will continue to shoot myself in the foot every time.

I am trying. That's the best I can do right now. I am struggling. But that is to be expected. But I WILL come out on the other side. I will figure out what is happening with my body. I WILL fix my broken self.

(P.S. It is now Wednesday and I can still barely WALK from the pain of Monday's workout! I feel like I did after every time I ran the mini....OUCH!)

FML Friday

2010-04-23T14:13:00.002-04:00

Okay, I am digging back about 14 years for this one. I wanted a good one though...

It's my Sophomore Year in High School. My high school at the time housed Sophomores through Seniors making prom available to all three grades.

I was one of few sophomores who went to prom...I only wish that mine had been a little less "eventful". I will sadly admit this is a very embarrassing night (and kind of long one) but I will share all the same.

My date, a very adorable gent arrives at my house to pick me up...

As a little aside, I was not allowed to date until I was 16 and the prom fell just short of my 16th birthday. I was not allowed to go with just my date and I had to come straight home from prom.

...we do our picture duties. Then my date musters all the courage he could to ask my dad if we could please go to the bowling alley once prom was over as several were going. My dad flat out in a gruff tone said no. Thanks dad, really.

My date's mom takes us to dinner where we meet the other couple who were to be with us at all times. We sit down for dinner. I am extremely nervous. We are eating when I placed my fork down on my plate and manage to flick fettuccine alfredo all over my dates crotch on his black tux pants. UUuugggh. He took it better then I did. I then realize through conversation that I have left my school ID at home and will not be able to get into prom. I have to go call my parents to bring it to me at dinner. When I return from using the payphone, yes people, the payphone, we are talking about the dark ages now!, I see something sticking out of my purse, something gold. I tried to get my girlfriend's eye and she motions that we should go to the restroom....

We run off to the restroom and I open my purse and it's a gold box, inside lies a gold necklace with a "S" charm on. Sooo sweet if we were dating, but we were just friends and before I even agreed to go with him, established this very point. I am very overwhelmed. We use the restroom real quick before we head back out to the guys.

Oh but wait!!!! There was no quickness about this!! This is wear my night REALLY started to go downhill....

I had on a lovely floor length satin gown that had lovely satin nearly floor length tails on the back from the straps of the dress. We joked about making sure to hold on to our dresses while using the facilities...that's when it happened. While I had managed to keep hold of one tail, the other had escaped... and YES, landed in the TOILET!! How humidifying (As Ruby would say!)!! I start crying and cursing. My friend thinks I am joking since we just spoke of it. Not a chance. I come out of the stall and we start to work on how to fix it. We discover that sadly there is no hand dryer, merely paper towels. My friend goes to work and instead of making it better, makes it a wrinkly mess with bits of brown paper towel now stuck. I start stressing, and like the sexy be-yotch that I am, I start sweating like a dude. I have now pitted my beautiful satin dress. I am crying and messing up my makeup. I do my best to pull it together, making her swear not to tell and we head back out to meet the guys. Of course, she spills the beans. Jerk. There was no end to the teasing about my toilet dress.

We go to her house since it was across the street from the school. We try our best to blow dry the tail and the pits. Iron out the wrinkles, powder my nose and head to prom.

We get there and it is very clear that my "friend" is trying to make the moves. He was a nice guy whom I did eventually date later in high school and college, but at the time was not what I wanted. My heart belonged to another, but that is a story for another day.

We are about halfway through the evening when my stomach starts cramping something insane. Dinner did not agree, mixed with my nerves. I thought I was going to be sick. Fortunately, I made it through the rest of the evening in one piece.

Despite all the drama, I did have some fun. Also, the gent asked me to go with him to Junior AND Senior prom which was very sweet.

At the time this was definitely a FML moment for me!

Really?!?

2010-04-21T15:30:00.002-04:00

So I get up this morning.

Beans (this is her REAL nickname), roomie's mom has chosen to sleep in. Whatever. Except I left the bathroom to go get dressed in my bedroom real quick and guess who STOLE the bathroom. That's right folks. Awesome. So I dug around and found extra deodorant, and an extra rubberband and called it good enough.

Then I leave the driveway and head to the front of the addition. Or try to anyway. They are building some new houses and apparently think they have the right to completely block the road. So I had to back up and drive the long way back past the house and to the other entrance.

Then I drive through a HORRIFIC construction zone everyday to get to work. They have this one lane "expressway" to avoid some of the traffic at all the entrance/exits on the interstate. I take it this morning per usual. We were traveling at an out of control speed of 10/mph!!! Now someone PLEASE tell me what is so EXPRESS about that??

I then ask to take next Monday at a vacation day since I already was doing a half day for doctor appointment. I get this weird "No" only from supervisor. Uh...is this serious or not?? As I ponder on it for an hour, I find him. Turns out, was a joke. Thanks for that dork.

Then, the saddest part of the day...The Baby Mamma in my department that I have been awaiting to return from her baby making days has returned (on Monday) and informed me today that she put in her notice. Arg!! I haven't been able to take a vacay in 5 months and now when is that going to happen if she STILL won't be here??

On the way home, a train DERAILED causing one heck of a traffic jam. It took forever to get home....where I just completed preparing dinner for tonight to be served promptly at 7 to accommodate all parties (not so much me, note the sarcasm here?)

Maybe tomorrow will be a little less ri-donk-ulous?? Especially after I try the recipe that my PPB gave me last night. Yummy!

FML Fridays

2010-04-16T08:07:00.002-04:00

Let me tell you about my evening last night....

I was at job number two. Very uneventful and slow...

Then Anna-banana and Jimbo arrive, ages 4 and 2. They bring with them McDonald's for dinner. (As a side note I want to mention that Anna-banana and Jimbo were only there for 35 minutes.) Anna-banana is upset because her happy meal toy was a boy toy. Mom assures her they will go back and get a girl toy. I cringe as I watch the opening of the honey...I mean, REALLY, what 4 and 2 year old need honey?? As they are eating, Anna-banana demands I turn on the radio, specifically Hannah Montana. Yeah, like I have THAT lying around the classroom. I find Radio Disney on the radio and she is content. Especially when the first song that comes on is Miley Cyrus. As close as it's gonna get Anna-banana. Then the next song she bounds out of her chair and begins bepopping around...THIS is Justin Beiber!! I'm sorry, how do YOU know who Justin Beiber is?? You're FOUR!! As this is taking place I hear a sound a then I feel it....Jimbo has proceeded to drop his whole milk jug of chocolate milk all over the floor, carpet and my left foot, spilling all over my shoe. I take the shoe off, race to get towels and clean up the sticky mess. I get them cleaned off, wash down the table and we are off to play. Anna-banana, Jaiden and I are playing chase. Jimbo stands in the corner. Yep we all think we know what he is doing. I walk over to him to see what is up and as I approach my foot slides on something....yes...wait for it...it was POOP!! He had pooped so hard that is virtually missed his diaper completely and it was all over the floor, his feet, legs, shoes and my shoe. I once again take off my shoe, grab him and carrying him to the changing table. I go for a diaper...guess who's mom didn't bring one. I holler for my PPB and tell him to go find mom, we have a poop issue and not a "we can wait poop" issue, but a "emergency, poop on the floor" issue. Mom comes with the diaper. I just about done cleaning him. She says "he's so much better for you, I will just let you finish." Thanks, really, thanks so much. She discovers there is poop on the pants and goes back outside to the car to get him new pants. As I am trying to clean the floor and the shoes, I hear "Uh-oh, Miss Stephanie." Yep now Anna-banana spilled her entire milk jug full of chocolate milk all over the herself and the floor. So now as I am still trying to clean the Jimmy fiasco and the previous milk fiasco I now have a new fiasco. Did I mention in the midst of this that despite the 7th day of 80+ degree temperatures this month we still don't have the air conditioning on?? I am stressed, running around and now I have sweat through my shirt. Sexy huh? Mom comes in, takes her kids, their bag of chocolate milk and poop covered belongings and leaves. I. was. exhausted. And beginning to question the worth of my shoes....

All in one evening...

2010-04-15T08:17:00.002-04:00

I went through all the same motions at work yesterday. Trying to get this and that completed. I had a conference call in the afternoon so I was away from my phone. As I was grabbing my phone to leave for the day I see "Dad is in the hospital again with a collapsed lung" from my roomie.

I call her right away and she starts sobbing. I felt terrible for her. I mean first the 5 weeks of the hospital stay and he was out a couple weeks and now back again. They said probably a week stay again this time. The thing is this whole mess started because of the cancer which is having no effects on him, it's all the side issues arising as a result of the surgery he had to get rid of the cancer. It's so frustrating to them all and I get that.

Then after she returns home last night hubby calls her. His store was robbed, at gunpoint, for the SECOND time this year. The first time he was there when it happened, this time is out of state for a conference. So he is trying to deal with the store robbery and his wife's dad being in the hospital and he is miles away. Of course now roomie is very concerned about his work and him being in too much danger. The thing is, his store is the nicest and in the safest area of town out of all the locations around the city.

Then I hear a rustling at the door. It's roomie's mom. Guess who's coming to stay again while dad is in the hospital? And thus begins the rotating door on my bathroom as we try to all get ready for work with an additional person in the mix.

But on a good note to all of this, I was asked to babysit tomorrow night for four boys, the oldest is 2! I love babies!!!

I love my chickadees

2010-04-07T13:28:00.004-04:00

At work last night, one of my 4 year olds....

Taylor: Um sffeanee, can I tell you a joke?
Me: Sure Tay. Let 's hear it.
Taylor: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Taylor: Um..Anita
Me: Anita who?
Taylor: Anita Hug. Heeheheheheheheehhe

I ran and squeezed her real quick for that one.

Her 2 year old brother...

Chase: Um Um sffeanee....Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Chase: lshglsglkshg
Me: I'm sorry who?
Chase: ljlsgshglhslghslgsg lhslghlsgshgl! hehehehehehehehe

I just laughed right along with him.

My body is SCREAMING at me!

2010-03-31T13:00:00.002-04:00

I have heard and read where if you listen carefully, your body talks to you, tells you what it needs, doesn't want, etc. Well my body is screaming at me these days!

I think it is telling me I am getting ready to have a stroke...or maybe that I just need to take a vacation.

I was out the eye doctor's office on Monday. They checked my blood pressure. As a side note, I always run right at 120/80. Not Monday. Monday my BP was 145-92. Yikes!!! So of course I have been checking it since then, still much higher then normal. Then my heart started racing on and off yesterday and today. My heartburn has been crippling for about the last 4-5 days. I am quite sure I have eaten at LEAST my body weight in tums. Then yesterday I started with a rather regular eye twitch. At first, I thought it was funny, because it kept happening every time my boss came in. He thought it was funny too. However, the twitching continued after I left work and at home all night too. It continues on today.

Do you think this sounds like I might be overly fatigued? A little stressed? Some built up anxiety?

I hope that is all it is, but I just feel off if that makes any sense?

Too bad I'm so stressed, overworked and busy to go to the doctor!

To All My Single Ladies

2010-03-29T09:11:00.002-04:00

I stumbled across this article and thought I might share it with you. It spoke to me, hopefully it might prove insightful to others? I'm a little iffy on the first part about "marrying up" but that could be the independent women from within! I do really belong to the idea of numbers 1 and 2. This is what I keep trying to convey to my friends that pressure me about being in a relationship and why I do not think I am ready for it at this point in my life.

Words from Pastor Jamal Harrison-Bryant:

I often warn women who are contemplating marriage to marry someone who can take care of them. When a woman marries, it ought to be to someone who is capable of taking her to the next level. If she comes from poverty, there is no reason for her to get married and still be impoverished. The role of the man is to take her to another place.

When she gets married, she ought to dress better, drive better, live better, and eat better, not constantly be in a struggle over where her next meal is coming from. My grandmother used to say, "I can do bad all by myself". For a woman desiring a mate, the objective, of course, would be to find a Christian man, who's settled, has goals, accomplishments and a job. But a goal-oriented and focused man can't just be approached any kind of way. So the woman who seeks this type of stability must make sure that he stands out above the crowd:

1. Make sure your relationship with the Lord is strong and growing.

2. Make sure that you are presentable. Working from the inside out, your presentation should be representative of both who you are and whom you seek. Appearance is a reflection of how you see yourself.

3. Have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.

4. And most importantly, allow the Holy Ghost to take control. You don't need to go after him. He's going to come after you, because after he sees and smells you and knows that you're in his presence, he's going to want to know who you are! I know there's somebody reading this who has been chasing after the "man of your dreams," but God says, "Just sit still and allow patience to have her perfect work through Me."

Furthermore, it's never a good idea to be too forward and too aggressive. Attempting to win a man's affection by jumping into bed with him will only backfire and cause him to lose interest in ever developing a lasting relationship. It causes him to lose respect for you and question your character.

However, if he sees that you are dressed with quality, that you smell like you are somebody, that you look like you're doing fine without him, then that will attract the right attention from him. He'll have no choice but to give you his attention. Stop looking so needy, climbing into bed, trying in vain to capture a man's heart.

God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, "The same thing that Naomi told Ruth to do is the same thing that I want them to do for me."God is so sick of saints coming to Him trying to get a quickie and never romancing Him for Who he is - going to church screaming, shouting and hollering, but hadn't been intimate with God all week long! Stop trying to treat God like a sugar daddy and start romancing Him with worship and praise: "I'm yours Lord...everything I've got...everything I'm not!"

The God we serve, which is the God of love, demands and requires of us foreplay before He gives us what we need. In the book of Ruth, the mother-in-law tells Ruth, "You have to wash." John 15:3 reminds us, Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. When you sit in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you are taking a shower. When you hear the unadulterated Word of God, then the dirt and grime that you've accumulated all week long begins to wash off of you.

Ask God to "create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit." Stand in the word. Then wait upon the Lord to renew your strength. Pass this on to those who have found or are seeking Mr. Right. This message is not directed at the receiver, it is directed to women I know that touch other young women that can benefit from this information. We are to be Naomi's of the world today. Our young women need to be informed of how to catch and keep a man that will respect them.

FML Fridays

2010-03-26T09:23:00.002-04:00

Our local radio station does FML Fridays...I LOVE to hear some of the stories. I will admit there have been occasions when I have thought I wanted to call in with some of my stories. I am thinking I may have to go with this as a blog contribution.

Last night I went to bed feeling sick. My head has been killing me for days with this cold. I can't hardly breathe. So I desperately try to fall asleep despite my own annoying Darth Vader mouth breathing, Uugh, and my roommate apparently building an ark in his bedroom.

I am awakened at 1:30 this morning when my dog has seated herself on my chest and started shaking uncontrollably. She needs to go out. Are you freaking kidding me?? So I roll over to grab my glasses and discover a wet pond of snot laying on my pillow. Excuse me while I throw up a little! I drag my butt out of bed, and try to creep downstairs as quietly as I can as not to disturb the roomies. I go to turn the light on in the kitchen and when I turn around, the dog is peeing on the FLOOR! I guess that extra 20 seconds of fumbling for my glasses was a problem?? I decide to just let it go for a plethora of reasons. I turn to grab some paper towels to clean it up. Of course, two sheets are left on the roll. Well that is not going to sop up the amount of pee that my dog has left behind. No, she pees enough to hydrate an entire rain forest! So I now shuffle my way to the garage to get more paper towels. I clean the mess and we head back up upstairs. I of course have to go to the bathroom too now that I have been moving around. I discover once in front of the mirror that not only do I look like Frankenstein's bride at 1:30 in the morning, but I also have crusty face from smothering myself in my snot drippage. Gross! I clean up and we are off to bed.

I am laying there now, wide awake, desperate to get to sleep and my Darth Vader breathing begins to annoy again, the ark construction had ceased operations, but I am thinking that roomie might be sawing some serious logs for tomorrow's work. And now the radiating heartburn makes it's way through my esophagus reminding me that I am too old to be eating pizza at 9:30 at night. I am just beginning to drift off to sleep....and here's the dog, sitting on my chest, shaking again. I think, ok, I must have fallen asleep right? Nope, it's now 2 am. You have GOT to be kidding me. I do not hesitate this time!! I gather her up, head back down, actually get the door open and send her out. She squats about 40 times, quite literally, and paces back and forth for EIGHT minutes trying to find the PERFECT spot to take care of business. Guess what else I discovered....at 2 in the morning, I am not a very patient person either. Barring any other drama, we head back to bed again.

I am trying to get all warm and snugly and comfortable amid the mouth breathing, the log sawing and the heartburn. The dog now wants to burrow under the blankets with me. She has positioned her self in a ball between my legs. I am slowly drifting off to sleep when....no, she doesn't wake me up needing to go out, I almost think I might have preferred this....no, she is having a bad dream and her legs are twitching un-mercilessly, and BAM, outstretched paw with razor sharp claws makes a sudden, sweak emitting crotch shot!! I think there may be a dog on the adoption list soon, I'm just saying!!

I shove her over to the other side of the bed, I eat my body weight in tums (yes folks, I keep a bottle of tums by my bed because this is what happens when you are precariously close to meeting a new age bracket), hunker down with the blankets shoved around my ears, Kleenex shoved in my nostrils, and FINALLY fall back to sleep.

I did not awake again until after my alarm had been going off for a HALF and HOUR!! I had hit snooze FIVE times and I cannot tell you I heard the darn thing once!

Uugh! At least it's Friday right??

Single People are COMPLETE people!

2010-03-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

Am I in the wrong to believe that single people are COMPLETE people?!?

Let me tell you what I got on to one heck of a roll this weekend!!

I was speaking to a good friend of mine on Saturday evening. EVERY single time I talk to her, "Are you dating anyone"?? First off, if I were she would probably already know. Secondly, since we talk about once a week or so, what makes her think that magically 5-7 days since our last chat, I have started DATING someone??? At best I might have been on A date!

I have explained to this friend on multiple occasions that dating is not an interest of mine right now. I constantly reiterate that my last relationship smashed me to pieces and I still have some healing and forgiving to do over that. I also inform her time and time again that I don't like ME, why would anyone else at this point. I want to get back to the point of being happy with ME and getting my crap together before I embark on bringing someone else into my life. I frankly think this is a rather healthy attitude.

But alas she gets on me each and every time we talk.

Then, let's talk about where she thinks I am going to be meeting these guys?? I work at an office job where there is ONE single man, who just happens to be older then my dad and have a son a couple years younger then me. Then I work at a day care, the men there are bringing in their children and I am way to busy with the forty other children to chat him up and see if he is single (Which by the way, no single cute dads!) These two jobs take up a minimum of 55-60 hours of my week. I then go home and spend what free time I have cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, caring for the dog...strangely enough, no guys involved in this either.

Her suggestion, "Let's church cruise!"

Are you fricking kidding me?!?! I go to church to go to church, not cruise for dudes! She says well yeah we can worship too. I'm not certain, but pretty sure God would know the truth. No thanks.

As our conversation started to turn to an argument, we got off the phone. As I am speaking about this to my weekend warriors that night (which happens to include two married couples) I explain my thoughts and theories. They express to me they believe that I have a healthy and correct attitude towards dating, that I am by all means a NORMAL person even if I am single, and that they love that I don't let them being married and me being single affect our friendships.

Also, on a high note to it all, we did discuss meeting once a week for purpose, rather then to be social, to work through some of our concerns and frustrations, finances, health/diet/exercise, church. Be each other's support group and hold one another accountable. I think it would be great if we really make it happen.

My PPB

2010-03-19T16:42:00.003-04:00

For anyone who truly knows me, they know that I have very low self-esteem. Especially these days with so many changes taking place physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, etc.

I mention this because this really affects me when it comes to dating, or men to be more specific. I have previously mentioned this guy I kind of like....from now on I will simply refer to him as my PPB. This is because for my mental exercises I like to think of him as my boyfriend. Hehe. Plus I think he might make more appearances on my blog. Who knows, maybe not.

Regardless, there is a female that works with us. I was rather convinced that he was taken with her. I thought to myself, go figure, she's everything I'm not. It only nailed into my head my preconceived ideas of myself. I discovered a couple weeks ago, that he in fact cannot stand her, for many of the same reasons I thought he would prefer her over me!! Woo! We had discussed this in small details, but me trying to be NICE, rather then catty and jealous, just chalked it up to her age in comparison to us.

Last night she was working. It was a slow night, but she managed to make it feel even slower. She was acting RIDICULOUS. My PPB pulled me aside a couple times last night and we had some discussions about the situation. I think I actually made him feel better.

I'll tell ya what....I sure felt better...here was me and my PPB whispering in the corner and looking like we were having a moment! hehe.

I am quite sure nothing will ever come of me and my PPB, but I will sure keep drooling over him the meantime. I mean HEL-LO!! He's freaking HOT!

Reasons to LIKE the guy:

HOT
Funny
Absolutely loves the kids
Responsible
HOT
Works hard
Family and Friend oriented
HOT
Likes animals
Alot in common, books, music, movies, etc.
Have I mentioned HOT??!?
Oh yeah and HOT!

Some day PPB...some day...

Did I Mention?

2010-03-18T12:46:00.003-04:00

I need to slightly preface my story. My roommates dad has been very sick and in the hospital for over a month. During this time her mother has been staying with us. She has definitely added an element of entertainment to the dynamic around the house.

Last night, she came in and was celebrating because pops is getting released today! Yay! He still has a long recovery ahead though. She starts telling us last night at dinner her list of things she's done and needs to do....

"I was going to go to Target to pick up a husband, but I just didn't have time."

(Me turning around looking at everyone to see if they heard the same thing. Everyone just listening intently to her prattle on.)

"I'm sorry, did you just say you were going to buy a HUSBAND?? I know it's been a long couple of weeks, but NOW you are going to trade him in?"

"Yeah, a husband. You know those pillows that you lean back against, but they kind of have the arms rests on them? I call those husbands."

"I was going to say....Husbands at Target? What aisle are those on and why has this not been mentioned to me before?!?"

This may or may not have gotten a chuckle with the group. I guess desperation would lead to buy husbands at Target.

Hope all is well my bloggy lovelies!

Ironic

2010-03-08T13:57:00.003-05:00

I know, TWO posts on the same day...

So I was in my car at lunch. Driving down the road. Car windows down, the sun beaming in on my short sleeved clad arms, my eyes squinting behind my sunglasses. Me in a state of smiling and reflecting. It is amazing how much difference the sun makes. The warmness in the air. Even if it is temporary. For that brief time in the car, my depression that I have been battling for a couple months now seemed not so stifling.

I was on my way to Walmart to pick up a couple things for a co-worker and then grabbing some lunch so I could sit in my car and read while soaking in a little more Vitamin D.

Upon my entry to Walmart they had a cart full of fresh cut bright flowers. I stopped smelled some, considering a purchase and then continued to walk on to the back of the store...lost in spring fever I suppose....

....because next thing I knew I went from the upright walking position to the a heap in the middle of the aisle. That's right I biffed it. But in true Stephie grace, it was no small, un-noticable fall. No. There was a minimum of 30 people there to witness my humiliation, to gape open mouthed at me, wondering if I was going to get up. I would like to say that I was a true champ and in true comedic style, jumped right up, laughed a nervous laugh and moved along. But that was not the case.

Let me paint and image for you....

Remember, walking upright, one foot in front of the other, purse slung over my shoulder, probably staring off a little. Then in slow motion it happens. I feel my foot slipping on the waxy surface of the hard floor. I begin to fall forward. I am sure I probably had that "Oooohhhhh Noooooo mouth thing going on. I fall, catching myself, sort of, with my right ankle twisting to the right, smashing my left knee down on the floor, my left forearm meeting a certain ill-begotten fate on the floor, my purse flying over two aisles and spilling, my left shoe somewhere behind me, and my keys sliding several feet ahead of me under some ladies cart. That's right folks, nothing small scale here. I kind of lay there for a brief moment, I think something to the effect of Oh. My. God came sputtering out. Then I tried to begin the process of hoisting myself up, gathering my belongings and trying to ignore the fact that my skin felt like it might be more red and fiery then the red sweater I was adorning. After I am finally up, a couple people ask me if I am ok, the lady with my keys walks over and graciously hands them to me. I TRY to walk off, which comes off much more like a hobble, because let's be honest, it hurt, BAD and I really wanted to continue to lay there and cry for a couple minutes. The people all stand and watch in amazement for a moment at the horrifying display that have just witnessed. I swear if teleportation was an option, I would have never wanted it more then this moment.

I gathered my purchase, walked out of my way as far as my body would allow, but making sure to avoid the scene of the accident and as many of the onlookers as possible. I made it out to the car and it just kept replaying over and over in my head.

I got back to the office, told my co-worker and as I did, the tears fell. The tears of pain and humiliation all wrapped up in one.

A little sunshine can't fix this one.

Contagious?

2010-03-08T11:45:00.003-05:00

Very recently my bestie and I were lamenting about an epidemic. It's the contagious disease of SINGLENESS....Apparently it's catching!

Really it comes down to feeling like you are a leper if you are single. You have you single friends and then you have your non-single friends. Here's what happens. You are happy for the friends that are committed, married, having babies. Their lives move on, yours stays the same (relatively speaking of course). They are busy doing their non-single life, this is the only life you know. On the rare occasions that you do spend time together, they can only speak of marriage, babies, etc. Or even better, you have those friends that are soooo busy, they can't spend time together and then it happens, the time they have for you is when you join them at their bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, children's birthdays, etc.

Or you get the ones that pity you and make you feel like you are less of a person that you don't have someone. "Dating anyone new lately?" "When you going to get back out in the dating scene?" " I can't wait til you get married/have a baby! Then we can double/children will be best friends, blah blah"

I feel like sometimes I am only an acceptable social friend if I have a significant other. No seriously, even the phone calls are more bountiful when committed then when not. While I am single, the phone could not ring for days!

Obviously, I want what they have. I am approaching that big 3-0 and I am not married, no prospects, no babies. I am happy for them, but how is that THEIR being married, having babies affects me more then MY lack of marriage and children?

Missing You...

2010-02-26T14:14:00.003-05:00

I miss singing at the top of our lungs and dancing in the living room...

I miss Champagne Thursdays to start the weekend celebrations...

I miss midnight runs to get hair dye and mountain dew...

I miss making fun of who has worse swass after working out...

I miss having someone there to talk to when I get home from work...

I miss having that comforting sister in Christ sitting next to me at church Sunday mornings...

I miss walking around the park talking about nothings for hours...

I miss having someone that 100% gets me...

I miss snuggling in the bed watching tv Saturday mornings like we were 10 year old girls again...

I miss your laugh...

I miss the silly things you say...

I miss making fun of each other...

I miss impromptu photo sessions...

I miss you playing a song so many times I go from loving it to hating in the matter of one night...

I miss wasting hours away at the pool together...

I miss the looks we gave that spoke volumes and no one else could hear...

I miss our self pity parties that always made us feel better to be losers together...

I miss the uncontrollable giggles that would never end...

I miss being young and carefree with you....

I simply miss you...

(To my bestie)-I hate that are lives are so different now and that what used to be is no more. Know that I am, and will be here til the day we die my sister for life.

Love Handles...The New Lifesaver?

2010-02-24T14:23:00.002-05:00

I read a news article today. This woman accounts that her love handles are what kept her alive today. Those must be miracle love handles!! Mine certainly do no life saving, rather life killing! They keep those adorable pants from zipping, make seat belts uncomfortable, and airplanes....don't get me started about airplanes!

Apparently she walked in somewhere a man was swinging a gun around. The bullet he shot was intended for someone else, but she received the gunshot wound to her side...her love handle.

Her statement when it was all over? She had been "hollering" about how she wanted to lose some weight before....but now...."I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

Can we maybe discuss the fact you should live somewhere else if you have to maintain your size for a continued fear of being shot?!?

Lyrics to my life Part 2

2010-02-11T11:01:00.002-05:00

The other song speaks to me a completely different level. It may be stretching it a smidge (specifically the drinking part), I mean I know it was written to a past love, but it still reflects a stage in my life.

I really don't want to get hugely introspective about this right at the moment, partially because it is some personal stuff, but this song speaks to me about my relationship with God right now. I am not in the place where I should be right now. I find myself not coming to the Lord's feet with the fervent, need, want and desire on a daily basis expected of the Christian that I am. I do find myself coming to him late at night when I am weary and want him to fix everything. It's a give or take relationship with me and God. So I get stubborn and walk away, yet come back because I know it's the answer. I just feel kind of like this is mine and God's "love story" right now in this season of my life.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control
and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control
and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Lyrics to my life Part 1

2010-02-11T10:20:00.002-05:00

Here is a song that has been running in my head...I have mentioned recently that I am in the state of transition where I am trying to decide which I desire more to be single or to not be. I think part of this feeling lately is knowing that Saturday would have been my anniversary with the love that I lost this year. It's hard letting go of something that I feel like I still haven't received closure on, but also something that I now know wasn't meant to be in my life. Regardless this song struck a cord with me...

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here oh yeah

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Let's talk about...

2010-02-10T14:12:00.002-05:00

Let's talk about s*x baby, let's talk about you and me! Haha. Ok, no really, that just popped in my head when I typed in the title.

How about we talk about the random crappity crap that has become my life recently.

My friends finally got married on the 30th after months of all of us chipping in to help get ready....and I MISSED the ceremony!!! Had a migraine, sat down for a few, fell asleep, woke up late, rushed in the shower, blew out my hair and discovered hairspray gone, put on my new dress which still had the SECURITY TAG on it, had to go to storage in basement to find another dress, hopped in car, no gas, traffic jam, missed the turn to church, receive phone call from bridesmaid saying why weren't you there? Yep, totally missed it.
One of my girls at the office had her baby...we got a three hour training session to learn her work and now I am up to my eyeballs in nonsensical things that I am trying to pretend like I know. It's stinks...bad.
Snow, snow, snow. I don't think it's ending any time soon. Too bad I am not in school. Adults don't get snow days and 2 hour delays. Boo! Hiss!
I got the freaking sickness again. I hate it. I have no insurance so no meds. Arrg!
Which brings me to the fact that I have a giant lump just below my wrist that is very concerning...still no insurance...
The day care that I work part-time at has a flat roof....which leads to leaks...which goes right along with the several inches of snow the last week....uh last count we were up to 12 buckets to catch all the leaks....
I caught my mac and cheese on fire in the microwave at work last week....still haven't heard the end of that one!
Izzie has been having all sorts of issues lately...let's just say two nights ago in a matter of 3 1/2 hours, she went outside twice, peed inside three times, puked, stole dinner off the stove, and broke her cage. Anyone want an adorable little beagle? Anyone..? Crickets....

I'm done for now. Even I can't read this crap anymore and I have lived through it! ha! Hopefully better stuff to come next time!

Another year older...but not wiser....

2010-01-22T14:18:00.003-05:00

I have found that with the beginning of the year I keep finding myself dwelling on the same old things still with no answers.

I have things in my life that are in no way in my control, but that drive me to the edge on a almost daily basis. Constant little reminders here and there. Little things that bring up old memories. Desires that cannot be fulfilled.

Ironically I was reading a blog the other night that completely sums up my feelings on a level that I never want to admit to. I found such courage in her stating it that I feel as though it is ok for me to also be so honest...

It's about jealousy. I find that every day there seems to be someone else in my life that is starting new relationships, getting engaged, getting married, having babies, having more babies. I WANT to be happy for them, honestly, and I AM happy for them. But in the wake of being happy for them I am burdened by the truth that is makes me that much more sad. I feel like I am a lonely solider off to my own personal battle, the battle of my life and desires. I want to be a part of my friends and families lives, be happy for them, shower them with presents, be there for their special days, snuggle their little bundles of joy. I want them to see that my words are not empty, that I really do wish, want and desire for the happiness. I don't want my jealous to override these feelings.

I hate being the single girl. I feel like it is a sickness. A sickness that others are afraid is contagious. A sickness that no one wants to associate themselves with. Being the single girl brings a certain side of shame and embarrassment with it. I know that is horrible to say, but to anyone that is single, or remembers the single life, you can remember the awkward social events, weddings, holidays were it is pair after pair and you are alone for everyone to gawk at and pity. I don't want pity. I just want what you have.

On the flip side of this though, I take a nibblet of pride and safety in that I am the single girl. I don't have to keep that fear along for the ride that he is going to leave me, walk out the door, play a violent game with my heart, make me into the loser of the love battle. That I am free to do what I want, how I want, when I want, with whom I want. I don't have to worry when the other shoe will fall and it will be all over, leaving me in the wake to deal with the emotional turmoil on my own.

So I am left torn with my desires, yet safe from my fears.

Superclubbers!!! and so much more

2010-01-15T14:14:00.003-05:00

I was at job two last night with my little chickadees and little dudes. It's really true, kid's say the darnedest things!

Let me first tell you my story regarding my newest injury. We have this maze for the kids to crawl through and it has a ball pit in it. It's all netted so I can see inside, but clearly as a grown adult I cannot go through the maze with them. I can get inside the entrance on both sides and reach slightly in, but that's all. Well the kids always think that the maze is a perfect base. Being the cool teacher that I am, I play with the kids, chasing, playing tag, hide and seek and the likes. Yesterday the kids created some game in their mind were they were "superclubbers" and I was the "monster". They would run out of the maze and I would chase them, catching them and bringing them superclubbers back to my cave and then little Taylor would scream "Superclubbers save them!" This went on for quite a while, but to the chagrin of my old body...especially once I got injured! I had chased them inside the maze again and I was pretended I was going to grab their little feet when one of the boys got all excited and starting kicking his feet frantically...I'm sure you see where this is headed.... I then got kicked in the nose, HARD. I had instant tears and I truly felt what they say when you hear I saw stars! I thought for sure it was broken! It started to swell immediately and boy did I have a headache. I was convinced when it still hurt like a mother 3 hours later that I would have black eyes when I awoke this morning, but thankfully that was not the case! yeah!

So I thought I would share some of my fav things the kids have said recently.

Are you ok Gavin?
My eye itches.
Why does your eye itch?
It's my breath.

Upon doing the splits...
Ouch.
Are you okay?
I hurt my pee-pee.

After a wrestling match gone bad...
Are you ok? Are you hurt?
No! He nearly cracked my NECK off!! Are you going to tell his mom?

Three kids playing house...mom, dad, and teenager...
I'm going to the club, call me if you need me.
I'm sorry, you're going where?!? (Me interrupting the game)
I'm going to the club.
What kind of club are you going to? Like a swim club?
No. The adult club. The club where no children are allowed and they only have adult drinks. I will have my cell.
(?????????? This is from a FOUR year old!!! I wonder where HIS mom spends her evenings??)

I'm sure I can make this into a segment if enjoyed. haha!

Current Obsessions

2010-01-13T12:27:00.002-05:00

I tend to go through phases where I start craving things and then I can't get enough of it until it really IS enough. This could mean, food, music, books, entertainment, etc.

Right now I have two current obsessions...both about food...

The first one is Honey Mustard Pringles....mmmmmmmm!!! I definitely believe their slogan, once you pop you can't stop. I am going to be 400 lbs by the time I decide I am over the stupid things!!

The other is a home-made pita. My mom used to make them for us when we were kids and I loved them. They are super easy to make, cheap and great reheated too. Therefore this single girl tends to like to make them fairly often. I showed my new roommate how to make them this fall and they LOVE them! It became a joke that we would eat them every Tuesday on Biggest Loser night and it just kind of stuck.

I suppose since I talked up the pitas I should share huh? Here ya go (I know they sound weird, but give them a chance!):

Brown a pound of hamburger
Boil about a half a bag of corn
Get a package of Pita Pockets (I prefer whole wheat)
American cheese slices.

Mix together the corn and beef and stuff into pitas with a slice of cheese. Place on a cookie sheet in the oven at 350 for about 10 mins (or until the cheese is melted and the pitas are slightly browned.)

So here I am, writing this and eating my leftover pita from last night....debating on going and getting another can of honey mustard pringles to eat! Aaaahhaahaha!!

P.S. My current obsession at this time last year was the cherry M&Ms....they are back for Valentine's Day....hmmmmm???

"I Apologize"

2010-01-12T09:52:00.002-05:00

"I Apologize". This is my new name. I am thinking about having it legally changed to I. Do. Apologize.

This has become my new mantra throughout my day, it's to the point that I catch myself saying it conversation now too! All three of us girls catch ourselves saying this or writing it in all our email correspondence.

Open Enrollment hell is still upon my company. We had some major changes for 2010 and our provider is not cooperating. I don't blame our employees for being upset, honestly. But at the same time they have to understand that I am just the middle man. So I spend my days on phone call after phone call saying, "I do apologize, we are doing the best that we can to get the answers for you in a timely matter....blah blah blah..."

I actually told one of the girls up here today that I was just going to make a recording because I was tired of repeating the same thing a hundred times a day. I told her I would even add in pauses for the employees to be able to rant and then add in a couple 'mm hmms' and 'uh huhs' to make it sound like I was listening and being empathetic. I would then just record the updated policy number that I do have and tell them to have a wonderful day....concluding with I Do Apologize.

Feeling Nostalgic

2009-12-27T20:52:00.005-05:00

As I sit here and finish packing away all my belongings, my mind begins to drift...drift to places I thought I would no longer be visiting. My house is a home to so many memories...albeit a portion of them packed away only for me to rediscover.

I find mementos of a time when I was filled with a joy that my eyes seem to lack tonight.

I find the painting...with three simple phrases on the back...the one that reminds me of the nine years we spent together, mostly good, some really bad. The box that contains nine years of memories all neatly packaged away. Remembering how I never thought our love for one another could change, that you were and would always be my best friend. Even now, some nine years later, my mind takes me back to those hot summer days when we would swing in our special place and then lay on our backs at night watching and wishing on stars.

I find the frames...all still containing his picture. Pictures of us when I genuinely cared for and respected him to be a honest, God representing man. The man whom I prayed for many long months while tears streamed down my face, the man I thought God had sent me. The man who made my faith a little stronger in God and man every day. The man who made me realize was not worthy of my time, but I continued to pray for.

I find his pants, the ones that he asked me to fix, a mere three days before he told me I was the one, and I said I love you too...four days before he said goodbye. I travel back to the girl that was in love for the first time in her life, thinking she had found the one she was to marry. I sit and stare at my fireplace knowing that we will never share late night soul baring sessions and cuddles while watching the flames lick at the logs. I know that when I leave my door on Tuesday morning, I know that I am leaving behind every last shred of evidence of how you made me love you and hate you with such little effort.

Tonight I sit and think about my past and who I am as a result. Tonight I wonder what I did or did not do to make my past my past. Tonight I continue to gingerly wrap every item, physically, mentally and metaphorically away. Tonight I pack away the memories that stir in my heart. Tonight I dream of what may have been and what could be. Tonight I sleep with my memories.

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the worlds a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you wont come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

Appropriate?

2009-12-18T09:55:00.002-05:00

Would it be highly inappropriate if I got borrowed my dentist's spit sucker and shoved it in my nose? I mean seriously, that would alleviate the pain and irritation caused by my continuous nose blowing. It would mean less trash in the landfills from all my snotty Kleenex. It would cause a lack of germs from me touch my nose and touching other things. The downfall might be though the sound....hmmmmm

sTRessEd!

2009-12-15T10:33:00.003-05:00

Note the humiliation that would be in my tone had I said this out loud....

I had a breakdown...in the food court at the mall...in front of my mother and grandmother...tears streaming down my face...body racking sobs...all because my mother tried to give me a back rub! Seriously?!? Seriously. I have let the stress control my life the last couple weeks. It is too much to handle. My body, mind and soul are rebelling against the nonsense that I am imparting upon myself. I apparently had hit the wall. My mother and grandmother just stared at me in shock! I opened my mouth to say something it all just came spilling out. It was humiliating to say the least.

I can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. I have sour stomach, a crooked back, sore arms, cut up fingers...and no end in sight!

Here at work I am trying to get approximately 2000 people enrolled in insurance for a 1/1 open enrollment date. We waited until the last few days to nail down some official rates, blah blah blah. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get the packets put together, schedule meetings, mass mailings, etc. In the meantime, trying to do functions of my jobs like usual and then of course answering the mass volume of calls pouring in about open enrollment. It is incredible overwhelming to say the least.

Then let's talk about trying to get in my family time for the holidays. I have to drive back and forth quite a bit the next couple weeks. My family is calling me all day and night about this or that or changes and what not.

That of course is piled on to the fact that I will be moving two weeks from today and I will be out of town for eight days during that time. Are you kidding me!?!? I am also downgrading from an apartment of my own to sharing a already furnished house with some friends so that adds a whole other element to the planning/packing process.

On the bright side I did buy my first Christmas gift yesterday! However, it makes me sad to know that I will not be able to afford to buy for everyone. I had planned on making an incredible gift for all, but I ran out of time for that too. Grr.

I miss my best friend. She is my lifeline!! Between my two jobs, her job, her school and her boyfriend, and that fact that we no longer live in the same city, we are not seeing each other. She keeps me sane. I cried the other night when it occured to me that we hadn't even TALKED to each other recently, let alone seen each other.

Lastly, I have been nursing a lovely cold for two months now. So one day I sound like a lovely young lady (at least when I check my attitude!) and the next day it you might get the scary sounding raspy child snatcher! I have gotten many a comment about the scary raspy child snatcher voice I assure you!

I look like crap. My eyes are glassy and droopy. I am walking like the hunchback of notre dame. I have man hands with cuts all over them. I need a vacation!! Too bad I will be out of town, working one of my jobs and moving during my "vacation". UUUggghhhhh

Social Protocol

2009-12-03T09:15:00.002-05:00

When did it become socially acceptable for not one, not two, not even three, but FIVE people to call, text, email etc., to ask if they can bring someone else with them to a party. If said people were not on the invitation then said people were probably not desired to be at the party. I can tell you my mother would reprimand me and my grandmother would probably start brandishing her switch if I were to even THINK about asking to invite a plus one to a party if it wasn't on the invitation, let alone if I were to actually ASK!!! I guess it's not that big of deal, but like I said I worked hard on the invitation list of the people that I wanted there, the number of people I wanted, the ratio of male/female. Plus some people I don't like some of their mates, others I didn't even know they had mates, let alone mates they would want to bring to meet the friends. Know what I mean? So my now small intimate party went from 8-10 people to now an expected list of 25 people. Good thing I am not having it at my tiny one bedroom apartment anymore right?!? Also as a side note I would like to mention how excited I am to be the single girl at my own party!!! I didn't ask people to bring dates for a reason dangit!! It's bad enough feeling inferior for being alone every other day of the week, why oh why must it be during MY party too?!?!?

Cow Limo

2009-12-01T12:14:00.004-05:00

So imagine that you are hurriedly during to get to your friend's out of town wedding shower. She of course fails to mention one the the VERY important roads to take and now you are fearful that you will be late. You pull a u-turn at the light. You look up in your rear view mirror and you see THIS behind you!!Now mind you it is straight behind me so I see giant UDDERS people, UDDERS!!! The barnyard friends are in the holiday spirit of things with their Christmas lights and wreaths wrapped around them like the fine trimmings of a holiday home.

I did some research online to figure out what this was all about. Apparently the udders spray water, and in case you missed it there is a giant gold pile of poo on the back of the car there.

Here in town we have a Chicken Limo, but it is not nearly to the extent of the Cow Limo. I also discovered that when Extreme Home Makeover was here a couple weeks ago, the Cow Limo made an appearance. So....maybe when the episode airs you might catch a first hand glance of this.

Really though, given the popularity that seems to be generated (per google at least), there is someone that stands to benefit greatly from creating a whole barnyard collection of limos?? Anyone interested in starting this venture with me?

Some randomn bits...

2009-11-30T14:17:00.002-05:00

The last few days have been BUSY to say the least...but here are some highlights.

I helped my dad move to Ohio. Weird since him and mom are married and all, but in order to keep his job he had to move so they will be driving back and forth on weekends for a while.
My family ran in a race together for Thanksgiving. I have never in my life been so mad at myself. Last year I was fit, dropped a bunch of weight. This year I am fatter then ever and couldn't hardly do the race. I might have ended the race in hysterical tears...maybe.
My 10-year high school reunion was this weekend. I did not attend the actual reunion b/c of cost, but I did meet everyone afterward and it was great! Especially when my ex came up to me and informed me he only came so he could see me. Hello adorable!?!? Too bad he has a wife right?
I only have a couple more weeks and then I am moving to a brand new house. Woot woot! This of course did not stop me from putting up all my Christmas stuff yesterday. Pretty sure there is not much better then a lit Christmas tree, Josh Groban singing Christmas carols, and sitting in front of the fire with my hot chocolate and toasting marshmallows....well unless there was a Mr. somewhere close by.
I've never really mentioned it before, but they was a monumentous relationship in my life that was on and off for NINE years through jr high, hs, and college. We were very close and very torrid, and everyone in school knew it. It took approximately 10 minutes into the first conversation with a classmate to get grilled about it. It was like I was 16 all over again and brought back a huge plethora of emotions about it.
My precious little Izzie broke her tail and I don't know how! She has a big waggy tail that I LOVE and it is so sad that she doesn't have her spunk about her.
I am FINALLY getting a vacation this month...yeah!! Although only from one my jobs, but that's better then nothing right?

New Attitude

2009-11-18T13:54:00.006-05:00

I don't know if it's my seasonal mood disorder or my hormones...but let me just tell ya...I am in a bad sort of way the last few days! I am swimming in a plethora of emotions. Do you think there is a medicine that directly confronts mental status in correlation to PMS? That may be all it is?? Let me give you a few examples of my out of control emotions....

1. I went to Kohls on my lunch. I had my purchases and was standing in line. I of course get in line behind that woman who can't find this and can't find that and the cashier doesn't know what to do and she is paging for help, yada yada. I want to throw my items on the floor, walk up to her and shred her face with my fingernails for being obnoxious. However, then I leave and go to the next line. The lady in front of me completes her purchase and has a shopping pass for 20% of all purchases. She gives it to me. I now feel compelled to throw my items down and throw my arms around her and cry on her shoulder. Too extreme? Maybe.

2. I am training to cover someone while they are on vacation next week. I covered the last three weeks for someone else on leave. In the midst of this I am still trying to maintain my own job. I got something sent to me yesterday that should have already been done. I asked someone to help me to which I got a lippy reply. I wanted to judo chop her in the knees. Too extreme? Maybe.

3. Anytime I have a question on a new payroll I am running, or there is an issue, instead of taking a moment to figure it out, I instantly have tears forming and I start dreaming of crawling under my desk and hiding. Too extreme? Maybe.

4. My back is on fire from the radiating pain I am experiencing. I want to rip my spine out and throw in the dumpster out back if it means the pain will stop. Too extreme? Maybe.

5. It has been raining for three days...I HATE rain. I can't stand the soggy bottoms on my pants, that my hair looks like a lions mane, that my doggy gets that wet dog smell and tracks mud in the house. I contacted a realtor about buying some land in the Sahara Desert. Too extreme? Maybe.

If anyone has any thoughts on drugs or even non-pharmacological cures to my mood problems please let me know. It might save someone's life!

Quitter

2009-10-30T10:27:00.002-04:00

I want to quit my job...but not for the obvious reasons! I want to quit my part-time job because I am a smitten kitten. I don't believe in dating people you work with. I think it gets to messy.

With that said, there is a feller, Gym, at my evening job who makes me a little swoony. He is sooooo physically my type....dark hair, dark eyes, 5 o'clock shadow, muscular arms....just writing this makes me swoon! I greatly enjoy talking with him. Each time I work, more specifically on Thursday nights (kids don't come until later) we talk more and more and I get to know more about him. In my mind I like to attribute it to Thursday date nights! HA! Besides just simply his personal background, age, interests, etc., I am getting to know his personality. I know the little things like he is not a morning person, much as myself. I know his kind/caring side. I know he is there for his friends. These are little bits about him that I see while watching his interactions with patrons and co-workers.

Last night was the moment that I melted. He's clearly a lover of children. When we talk we often have discussions about the kids, things they say and do. When there is no one up front, he often comes back to the day care to check in with the kids, tease them, play with them. We both have the same favorite kids. He is smitten with the baby that I too am smitten with. Last night we had a brand new baby come. She was 5 months old and adorable. She was a chunky monkey though with her fat baby cheeks and legs. She was rather heavy truth be told. She had what appeared to be a mohawk from the way her hair was growing in. Gym decided he needed to get a closer look so he came up to me while I was holding her. He was running his hands through her hair. Uh hello??? Sweetness!! Then I mentioned how heavy she was so he asked to hold to see if I was exaggerating I suppose. That's the moment right there.....He sweetly took her from my arms and wrapped her close to his chest. He was rubbing her chubby cheeks and bouncing her up and down. I was ready to scream, "Here's my two week notice. Will you marry me???"

I must start looking for a new part time job. It is imperative for my swoon that I not work with this contradiction of machismo and tenderness!

A Scene Straight Out of a Movie!

2009-10-12T12:50:00.002-04:00

Last night my friends and I were in the car heading to the restaurant for dinner. We were traveling on a very curvy road. The speed limit varies from 30-40 mph. We are behind a minivan that is traveling right at the speed limit. The driver was maintaining a safe breaking distance, but it was clear we couldn't go any faster due to the van in front of us. Soon the driver starts talking about the guy riding her tail. Then we begin to hear a honking from behind. This of course means that at this point we all turn around to see the guy behind her. A car full of young men are nearly bumping our car with theirs and now laying on the horn. This elicits a string of profanities from the overprotective fella in our car. Then the car full of guys start revving their engine, rushing our car, honking the horn, and trying to push us off the road. The van in front of us veers off the road and we quickly follow. The guys pass us with all sorts of gestures and words out the window to us. Had I not been so shaken up at the time, I can guarantee that the license plate number would have been reported. This is why teenage drivers should have more restrictions on their privileges!!

2009-10-08T21:28:00.003-04:00

I rocked him to sleep for an hour tonight. His little head resting against my chest. His chubby little fingers laid across my heart. His sweet baby breath whispering against my cheek. His soft baby smell. I let go of his precious little body. I went to my car. I cried the whole way home.

The big 1-0-0...But let's talk about something REALLY important to me...

2009-09-30T14:22:00.007-04:00

I had a discussion earlier that I thought I would impart upon you, should you care of course. I have my few desires when it comes to the aesthetics of someone of the opposite sex. I absolutely have my non-negotiable aspects such as Christian, honest, educated, kind, loving, etc. But then lets get to the automatic pluses for me....being a musician and having facial hair. Let's just say I am a sucker for a furry music man!! So a friend of mine and I got into a large discussion about facial hair.

I have noticed that really facial hair is one of those you love or hate it kind of things when discussing. I also notice that in my circle of friends, I appear to be the only one that likes it. My friend Beth keeps joking that she wants to set me up with her brother, but he doesn't have facial hair so I won't date him. It's not that I won't date guys without facial hair, it just so happens that every guy I have dated except 2 have had facial hair.

Now. I must state though that I have rules for facial hair. This is the point that I had my friend in stitches. She stated that my strong opinions carry over to every aspect of my life, this I cannot deny! So without further ado, my rules for facial hair:

1. Keep it under control! I don't want a man beast. I don't want someone with a full beard and mustache. That's too much. If a full beard is the option of choice then make sure that is is trimmed straight across the cheeks. I want no stubble or unruly hairs starting to grow up towards the cheeks. Also, no unruly stubble sprouting from below the chin, no hair on the under chin/neck!

2. If going for a goatee, make sure that you keep the rest of your face clean shaven. It disgusts me to have bushy hair around the mouth and then stubble on the sides of the face. It's tacky, lazy, and unattractive. If I take the time to make sure that my legs are clean shaven, return the favor! I hate to take the time and effort to shave, but I do it for you.

3. Make sure to keep it trimmed. I don't want to be able to fist the hair growing off your chin. I also don't want to be able to see what you had for lunch when we are at dinner. If I need to know that badly, I would rather ask then find a sample lurking about.

4. Lastly, while you think it might be funny to "experiment" with shapes and styles, save this for guy time, away from me. I do not find it funny to make a General Custer style beard, or the fu man chu.

I think these are fair rules. Of course you know that my rules are based on my past history. I have had boyfriends that have all at one point or another broken one if not all of these rules. Rules are there for a reason people!

Addicted

2009-09-14T13:49:00.005-04:00

I have been suffering from so serious withdrawls lately....not what you would expect I imagine. I am addicted to shopping. I have been so poor for months now that I have not been able to partake in my most favorite past time!! I thought I was going to make it...until last weekend...

My parents came down to see me for the holiday weekend. They took me to a great Japanese Steakhouse. The restaurant just HAPPENS to be located across the street from my heaven on earth...the mall. My father says as we pile into the car, "Are we going to the mall?"

Now in the back of my mind I am thinking...My parents feel so bad for me. They know how hard I have been working at trying to find a new job. They know how hard it is for me to ask for help and depend on others. They know I have been emotionally struggling through some changes in my life. They know how much I love to shop, and how much I wish I had the extra to afford it right now. They are going to take me to the mall and buy me something great to cheer me up! I have the BEST parents ever!!!"

We head on in to the mall. Immediately my blood starts pumping, my heart races. My eyes are darting back and forth, checking out all the goodies, seeking the big red signs that scream SALE!! SALE!! LABOR DAY SALE!!! My pace quickens. I am inconspicuously trying to do some calisthenics to warm up for trying on the array of choices that my parents no doubt are going to buy me.

We start walking past Macy's...Victoria Secret...Limited...New York and Company...now I'm dying!!! NY&Co...my favorite...BIG sale signs....the pace is slowing...YES!!! I KNEW IT!!! My parents DO love me!!! And then we turn around and head back the other way. I know Penny's is just within my reach.... At this point I have noticed that we have not stopped in one. single. store. I glance at my father with what I hoped to be the pleading gaze of a shopping deprived little girl and casually ask, "Did we come to the mall for a reason?"

I just thought we could walk around to kill some time.

My shoulders slump, my pace slows, my heart is barely beating and some wetness seems to be stinging the backs of my eyes. No shopping?!?! Then why torture me!! My LIFE is torture enough!!! I am thinking about screaming this, but then remember that I am still scared of my mother and her damn wooden spoons. I will refrain.

We gather back in the car. We drive back to my place. My dreams of acquiring greatness is gone.

Since then I have to keep finding things to keep from going crazy!! I saw the brilliant shades of purple lining the walls, the beautiful baubles aching to be perched upon my fingers, sleek shiny heels that will wrap meticulously around my feet. It's all I see when I close my eyes....SALE, SALE, SALE seems to blink at me mockingly from afar.

I can't take it! I thought I has beaten my addiction. Or at least come to terms with reality. Darn the mall and the sparkling signs drawing my father in for a WALK!! I mean seriously!! What girl wants to WALK at the mall?!!?

I am back in the throws of beating my addiction again. Here's hoping no threatening relapses are in my future!

Ever have one of those moments?

2009-08-24T13:55:00.001-04:00

Let's have a girls night!! The words rang far into the night on Saturday. We all primped and gathered about at B's house. I fire up the grill and we begin an evening of feasting. The alcohol starts pouring about, with reckless abandon for some. We break out our favorite game, Boxers or Briefs and the good times roll. Then a shout rings out, "I'm bored, let's go somewhere!" Ah yes, Drunky McDrunkerson, where would you like to go?? "I don't care" was the collective answer amongst this group of indecisive women. Three options are tossed about. The choice, Nippers, the karaoke bar. Alright! (Note to self: entirely toooo sober to think that this is a good idea!) An argument ensues, who's driving? who's car can we all fit in?...yada yada.

We gather the troops, pile into our clown car and venture on. The drive of course can't be simple since all of the world is in shambles here...or maybe just all the major roads needed are under construction. Of course Drunky McDrunkerson in the backseat continues to shout, "Just go straight!!!" Uh...that's a problem, there is no road. "Just go straight!! I know what I am talking about!!" And so most of the ride goes. (Note to self: Thank the good Lord that I am NOT driving!)

We arrive, and we are stars!!...or so it seems. It appears to be a slow night as our group of hot young women waltz in...we own the night!!!...and the bartender. Good thing Drunky McDrunkerson is a funny drunk now! We snag our table up front and prepare to watch the show. The "show" consists of several TRASHED Asian women in the most hi-LAR-I-ous ensembles...which included red leather fringe belts that are about a foot long!! No seriously. And two grown middle aged men who think they are the cat's meow.

Drinks become a necessity. I may not have driven, but I am a budget kind of gal, so water is my choice of drink. This is important for the part of the story that comes next (making sure to establish that I was NOT drunk!)...

I have now sat and drank water for quite some time. I must use the restroom. From our front row seating there is only two options to get back to the bar. Either walk in front of the performer (rude!) or walk behind the bar. I choose to walk behind the bar. On my way there I notice that there are steps leading up, along with a sign that says "Careful, watch step". I am sure you all know where this is starting to go right?? I carefully watch my step up the stairs. I get to the top and start walking forward...only there is no floor ahead of me....Apparently the geniuses at Nippers thought they should make some sort of pit where you walk up stairs, and then back directly DOWN the stairs. Yep, you guessed it, I did not in fact walk down any steps. Instead I completely belly smack my way onto the floor with a LARGE thud. I caught myself with both knees, both arms, my chin and one of my toes. I lay for a brief moment and I think my words were "Omigod!" I stand up. Some douchebag then leans over to me and says "Careful, watch step" while pointing at the sign. I chose to not impart some choice words, rather scoweled and walked away. I got to the bathroom and upon removal of my pants find my knees to be rather roughed up and bleeding. I take care of business, and walk out to see if EVERY patron of the bar witnessed my circus act, or just 99% of them did. Only one of my girls saw me, but that is not to mean that they didn't made me RE-ENACT what took place for them. Love it.

I had a throbbing toe, busted knees, and a bruised ego. I wanted out....now.

I did not poo-poo the fun, but we did leave shortly afterward.

So what did I take from this night you ask?? A broken toe, three very large bruises, and a humiliation that runs deep in my veins. Good thing I can laugh at myself!! :)

I know I shouldn't...

2009-08-19T22:23:00.004-04:00

I found myself in tears today. What should have been happy tears for someone else where instead tears of selfishness. In the past week alone, I have had two friends get engaged, one get married, and three announce their pregnancies! That is a lot! The third pregnancy announcement came today for a good friend at work (who by the way is 5 years younger then me!). I AM happy for her, especially given her two previous miscarriages. However, it shook me to the core. I can't be happy for everyone else. What is so wrong with me that no one wants me? When is it going to be my turn....my turn at anything for that matter??

I am sad, heart-sick. I KNOW I am not supposed to covet, but I can't help it!! I am extremely close to the thirty mark. I am single. I live in a craptastic apartment where people get robbed, but I can't afford to move away. I have a craptastic job who screwed me out of my position and now won't give me enough hours to make ends meet. I had to quit school because I couldn't make ends meet. I am single. I am lonely.

I just want my turn. I want just a piece of the happiness that everyone else seems to be getting. I am surrounded by people who have lovely homes, people to share their homes with, fulfilling jobs.

I try so hard to not feel sorry for myself, but things are just really tough right now. Things are not what they seem. I only let you in on parts, but I feel a desperation right now creeping up behind me, suffocating me.

I just keep praying for one thing, just one. I know that it is all the Lord's plan. I should be happy with what I have, thankful, grateful. I should praise Him for all my blessings, and I do. I just get so wrapped up in what I don't have. I just have such a hard time with letting go of my desires. I have this idea for my life and it's something I have such a yearning for that I can't understand the yearning, and the lack of fruition of this idea. Does that make sense?

I'm just having a down day. I simply pray that tomorrow when I awaken it will be with a renewed spirit, one that is HAPPY for myself and for others. (Maybe also I will awaken a rich woman??? I purchased my first lotto ticket today...I mean $245 million, who wouldn't want to give it a try?!?!!?)

Past Fears Revisited

2009-08-14T12:14:00.004-04:00

Let me tell ya about a little story from a few years ago. I was a young naive little bit that moved to the "big city" away from my parents for the first time in my life. I got an adorable little apartment, worked very hard at putting it all together, making a home. I had this great little porch that overlooked a lovely lake with a fountain. I was quite happy.

Fast forward approximately 2 months after I moved. I had met a guy and we went out on a date, a dud, but a date none the less. When we return he asks if I want him to walk me to the door. I say no, it's alright (trying to avoid the awkward goodbye you know?). He says no, he wants to make sure I get in safely. I say as we are walking in that it is a good area, no need to worry. We get to my front door....and that is where the story begins....

I notice that my front door is ajar (pried open with a crow bar). Given that I live alone and have the only key I know this is a bad sign. My date keeps trying to reassure that maybe a friend may just be in there. I of course am on the brink of hysterics trying to explain to him that someone has most definitely broken into my apartment. I push the door ajar and forge forward with such unwillingness that I am sure I will collapse any moment. I start surveying the situation. Every single light is on, every cabinet/closet/drawer/door is open. Then I start seeing the "missing" things. I rush to the phone, call 911 and report a break in. The operator asks me if the person is still there. It is at this very moment it occurs to me that I hadn't even began to think about the person possibly still being there. OMG!! I could have been shot!!! They tell me they will send an officer shortly. I start hyperventilating and looking around at what had been stolen. Oh, and yes, the date is still there...staring at me dumbfounded. Did I mention this was a FIRST date?? I then proceed to call my mother, by now it is approaching 2am and she is an hour away. What exactly I thought she was going to do for me I am not sure. Anyone who knows me well knows at this point I am straddling that line between hysterical and remaining somewhat calm. Given the date staring at me I am trying to keep the hysterics under control. Date dude needs to leave because he has to be at work in a little over 3 hours and he still has yet to sleep. I want nothing to do with being alone. I start texting/calling anyone, specifically boys, I know to come stay with me. I am a mess. Date dude stays with me until the officer comes. Then he leaves. My ex-boyfriend comes charging down to the city, drunk (I did not know this fact until his arrival) and stays with me on the couch until the morning when he has to rush back home for something.

After he leaves I really take stock in the situation, gathering what is missing, toss everything the people had touched. I have NEVER felt so violated in my life.

So, what is the point in me telling you this? When I moved into my current apartment, they only had one left in my floor plan. It is in the back of the building, first floor, facing a lake. The exact setting of my first apartment. I was very hesitant to take the apartment because I could feel the fear resting in the pit of my stomach, lurking around at all times. The choice really only could be that I had to take it. I sleep every night in fear, but I was just starting to feel a little more at ease. About 2 months ago, someone in my building who lives in the front had her car broken into, along with about 5 other cars in the complex. This made me sick. Since then my nerves are a mess.

Well I was not prepared for the news I was told yesterday. I am at dinner with the girls. My neighbor says, "Steph I didn't want to tell you this, but.... Someone tried to break into our apartment, through the patio door, they must of been using a crow bar because it looks like it has been pried open. They didn't get in, and we aren't sure exactly when it happened, but I thought you should know."

Immediately my stomach turns, the room spins and I think I am going to pass out. I cannot go back to my apartment, ever. I am right back there, five years ago, in the middle of it all over again.

I go to bed with one eye open last night. I was just starting to nod off when the dog goes insane, starts barking, hissing, fur standing on end, the whole thing. I am frozen in the fetal position convinced I am about to be murdered. I never figure out what she heard, but the fear is rising. Then about 2 this morning I hear her tags clinking rather incessantly like she is wrestling with something. I yell at her and it stops, still don't know what that was about. About 2:30 we are still awake and she is shaking because she needs to go to the bathroom. So I turn on all the lights, get dressed and head out with her. Of course my fear keeps me firmly planted about 2 inches from the front door. Then back inside we head. I am now acutely aware of every "noise' I hear. I have heartburn from the anxiety brewing within. And all I can do is pray for the light of day.

The Billy Club

2009-08-07T12:36:00.008-04:00

I have to make a confession. I am head of a fan club...The Billy Club. Now, I need to clarify, this is a fan club for one individual in a band, not for the band itself! Yes, the band is incredible, they are talented, funny, adorable, and might evoke some dancing from even the least skilled.

My friend Billy and I have been friends for 16 years now. He has always been involved in music, the high school bands, personal bands through the years, band director personal lessons, you name it. He is super talented and has a real gift. About a year and a half ago, he was approached by a musician, Joe Cameron to join his band. Billy accepted and they have been playing with a couple other guys since then. Since Billy had a "real" job they often limited some of the gigs they played. Well long story short, Billy quit his job and the boys are heading off to tour for the next year across the US. Yeah for them!! Joe has already earned fame as a musician in California writing lyrics for other musicians, recently one of his songs was on a TV show, and he was the first ever musician to appear on Ellen as a un-signed artist! He had a whole Internet campaign for that. Quite funny.

So the point of this is that we me and a couple friends decided we had to support Billy. So we went to his very first show. The next night we went to his second show ever. From there on we kept trying to get to as many shows as possible.

Last summer, the band had a gig at a very large venue where I currently live. It happened to be the night before my brother's wedding. This was the biggest deal yet since they had started the band. I had already ventured back home to help with the preparations. I was very distraught that I wouldn't be there for his big night. Beth and I got the brilliant idea to sneak down and be there to support him. What better way to support then creating, designing and wearing t-shirts recognizing The Billy Club?? We gathered the supplies, made some shirts and a group of us girls snuck out of decorating church and ventured out. We got there about 5 minutes before they were supposed to go on. So what did we do, we ran across the bar, made a scene and jumped on him! He LOVED the shirts, the whole band did. They kept asking what Billy did to make him a star?? All night, people kept asking us who Billy was. We had a blast!!! Billy loved the attention, the band loved the attention, we were happy to support. People constantly ask if we will get them shirts too.

We have busted the shirts out on numerous occasions now. I am sad that I will not be able to travel to all of his shows, but trust that I will be there when I can!

Morning Recap

2009-08-04T11:06:00.002-04:00

Let me recap the last four and half hours of my day...

I awaken and pull on some clothes to wander out with the dog. When I open the door the air nearly knocks me to the ground. It was so thick and stifling. Uuugghh.

I take my shower and get ready to go. I go to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch and realize that I am out of everything!! I rush to get ready and leave a half hour early so that I can run to Walmart to get some breakfast/lunch for the day knowing that I will have to come back tonight to get enough food for the rest of the week. I meander about decide on a delish looking turkey crissonwhich and potato salad. Yum! I gather my purchases and head off to the office.

While driving down the street, I get behind a large dumptruck in the right lane. I check my mirrors, check my blindspot and no one is there so I signal and merge into left lane to pass. All of a sudden the dude that was behind me had sped up and decided 105mph seemed appropriate in a 35mph. Whatevs. Except now dude is mad that I slowed him down. So he does the totally appropriate thing where he starts yelling at me, and making gestures and just down right being nasty. He rides my back end and all around irritates me to no end...so much so that I considered giving him a gesture all my own, but I chose to keep my bearings (and my head b/c I am almost certain dude would have pulled a gun on me frickin pyscho!).

I arrive at work and put my lunch in the fridge (I had to use the fridge in the basement b/c the fridge upstairs is broken. This is important here in a moment.) I get to work on a ridic project that is going to take days.

It started storming shortly upon my arrival to the office. The storms only get worse and worse, standing water of 7+ inches in someplace, golf ball size hail, the works.

About and hour and a half ago I see my VP going running by my office. I think slightly odd. Then about 15 minutes after that I hear him page over the PA system that he needs help. That is when I start to hear the buzz...the basement has flooded...again. The rain has just got stronger and stronger, so has the water pouring into the basement. All the top dogs head down to the basement, clad in their suits, ties and dress shoes and begin the battle of wills with the storm water. This means getting all our office supplies out of the closet off the floor, gathering computer towers and putting up high. Unplugging appliances. Get the drift??

It occurs to me about 20 minutes ago...unplugging appliances...knee high (at least on tall office men, about waist deep for shorty me) water in the basement...hhhmmmm. So I guess that means that the yummy lunch (purchased with my last five bucks on me) is probably not an option??

Mr VP comes back upstairs a few minutes ago. He has his galoshes on, and he is soaked to the bone. He pulls his boots off and POURS the water out of them into the sink. Leaving behind a ginormous puddle in the bathroom floor. He tells us that furniture was actually floating around and that this is the worst flooding down there yet.

I jokingly ask if he is going to wear his boots down to get my lunch for me...his response? Steph, your lunch is scrapped.

So basically I got ready early, bought delish lunch, tangled with pyscho road rager, hiked from the third floor to the basement to put my food in the fridge and now I have to go out in the monsoon (may I also add that we just repaved the parking lot so we all had to park at the office across the street) with no umbrella I might add, to go purchase ANOTHER lunch. Excellent.

Oh! Even better, while the storms have ceased for the moment, there is an entirely new front headed here in aprox 30 minutes! And the lights just flickered.

I feel bad for my poor pup home alone and scared of storms.

Uh...I think they underestimated their timing on the storms, given that the thunder has just begun again.

Lacking Originality

2009-08-01T14:27:00.003-04:00

So I have written three posts and not posted them. I can't seem to express myself clearly these days. So with that I must confess my lack of originality and leave you with this survey that I "borrowed" from someone else! Enjoy!

1. What time did you get up this morning?10:02. Thank goodness for Saturday mornings!
2. How do you like your steak? No where near me. Yuck!
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? My Sister's Keeper
4. What is your favorite TV show? I can't even begin to narrow it down. My DVR is constantly full with goodies!
5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? The Beach!
6. What did you have for breakfast? A bowl of golden grahams.
7. What’s your favorite cuisine? American-bring on a cheeseburger and fries any day
8. What foods do you dislike? There is not enough time in my day to start THAT list!
9. Where is your favorite place to eat? Cheeseburger in Paradise
10. What is your favorite salad dressing? Really Ranch is the only dressing I will speak of!
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Kia Sorento
12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and high heels
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I would to cover every inch of Europe
14. Is the cup half empty or half full? Honestly depends on the day
15. Where would you want to retire? Someplace with serene scenery
16. What is your favorite time of the day? Evenings when I am winding down my day.
17. Where were you born? Holloman AFB in New Mexico
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Is there such a thing?
19. Are you a bird watcher? Only if a funny bird catches my attention
20. Are you a morning person or a night person? No one in their right mind could call me a morning person!
21. What did you want to be where you were little? A singer.
22. What’s your best childhood memory? Playing basketball with all the boys in the driveway.
23. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes, yes, yes!
24. Do you have any pet peeves? Soggy bottoms on my pants (from rain/snow etc.).
25. Favorite type of pizza? Sausage
26. Favorite flower? Lillys
27. Favorite ice cream? Mint Chocolate Chip
28. Have you done anything spontaneous lately? The putt putt troll. (see here for how well that went!)
29. Do you like your job? Not particularly. That is why I am on the hunt.
30. Do you like broccoli? Yummy yummy yummy I got love in my tummy!

Finding Love...in all the wrong places...

2009-07-30T12:05:00.003-04:00

I did it and I know I shouldn't have. Every time I saw the preview I got my panties in a bunch, but still I watched anyway. I watched the new show on Fox, More to Love. If anyone has not seen the advertisements for this show the premise is that a "large" man seeks out the love of his life from 20 women who are "real" women with "real" bodies. Basically if you read between the lines it is The Bachelor for fat people. I was APPALLED at the concept. Regardless, I chose to watch it to see what the show had going for it.

Let's start with all these women professing that they are constantly made fun of, left behind, are always the bridesmaid, the "fat" friend, etc. I can understand. Given that I am no skinny miss myself, I know how these feelings can materialize. However, I would never go on a TV show to exploit this fact and use it as my excuse for my singledom. One woman even admitted that she purposefully stays fat so that when a man falls in love with her, she knows its for her and not what she looks like. Oy vey!!

Let me tell you why this show irritated me...EVERY single time a woman is shown on the screen, they put the little bubble up reminding you of her name, age, HEIGHT and WEIGHT!!!! We can look at her and see that she is not the average size of a reality show star...do they really need their stats tossed about so frivolously?!?!

Just because he is large and you are curvy, does not mean a love match ensues.

I will also confess that I watched the Bachelor this season. I know, silly really. Regardless, it was clear that Jillian had picked Ed really quite from the beginning. Once he left I started to fall for some of the other men, but when he came back I knew that was it. I just have doubts about falling in love in EIGHT weeks, especially when during those eight weeks she is dating 25 other men, and really with all the taping taking place, exactly how much time are they actually spending together?? They plan to move in together in a month and be married within the year. Yeah for them really. I am just plain skeptical.

Lastly, yesterday I was reading an article about being single. The woman asks "Why are you single?" Really? If I knew that answer would I still in fact be single?? Her response was in order to find the man you will marry, you have to figure out what is "wrong" with you so you can fix it, find him and marry him. So how do you figure out what is "wrong" with you? Simple really. You find the ten most significant relationships you have been in and go to them and ask WHY did they not work out. The idea supposedly being that once you know your faults, you fix them, and then you will be irresistible. Or something like that right?? I find this absurd...absolutely absurd. I think it might still be a little more complicated then that.

I refuse to be like any of these women, I do not want to look for love in the wrong places. How do I do this? I QUIT looking for love. I do NOT actively pursue anything at this point. I place it in God's hands. He is the author and perfecter of my life, and this includes my love life! I have faith when both I and my future husband are ready, the Lord will direct into each other's lives. I sincerely doubt that means by way of a silly contest on TV or by talking to my ex-significant others.

Pondering...

2009-07-22T12:44:00.002-04:00

Sorry in advance...this one is kind of long!

Given that it's only Wednesday I am amazed at my week thus far. It's been a heart heavy week, especially realized after my THREE meltdowns yesterday the last one ending with a non-stop hour of tears.

I was given many lessons last night. The first of which is humility. I have a rather large problem with asking for help. It stems for my need to be able to perform/feel/do everything that is asked/required/expected of me. Sounds hard huh?

So I have talked with my family and some of my real world friends about some of the situation, but I have never truly let anyone in until last night. I had that "final straw" moment when I got up yesterday. So I had to call my brother for advice about it only to hear the answer that I most dreaded. My dad beeps in and I had to ask him about the warranty anyway so I take the call. Of course being the best dad ever, he immediately hears my voice and knows somethings up. That is when I lose all control and proceed to lay it all out on the line for the next hour, the best I could of course given the body racking sobs.

I will just say that I have made some choices in my life, good and bad, and some of these choices are coming full circle in my life right now and I don't know what choices to make now. I don't know how to fix things. I have never felt so out of control/lost/unstable/scared/stressed in my life. My dad talked it all through, help me put some things in perspective and promised me that we will figure it all out.

Throughout the conversation I had a few choices that need to be made pronto, but not easily:

Schooling
Work
Living arrangements
Finances

I have by no means found the answers to any of these but one. With much sadness, I have to admit that I will not be returning to school for a while. It is not the right time to pursue this. I have yet to tell anyone other then my dad of this choice and I am scared to say it out loud. It makes it easier to "try on" the idea with my bloggy world friends. Gives me time to adjust to the idea before I tell people. It breaks my heart that this is the path that I have to take for now, but I know there is a reason for everything.

I am finding myself in that dreaded battle where I am trying so desperately to give control to the Lord and holding on to it myself. I told my dad that I have no doubt that the Lord with provide for me in every way possible. It's just simply easier said then done when I have so much on my heart right now.

I thought that my dad would lecture me differently then he did. He didn't lecture me about the problems/issues I am surrounded with right now, but rather that I let things get to the point that I did. He was upset that I didn't ask for help. He was upset that I hadn't talked through it all with him prior to last night. He told me that I need to throw my pride aside and ask for help when I need it. But it's just not that easy for me. I have made it 28 years without having to ask for their help, I'm not quite to quick to do it now you know??

Simply put this is a new season in my life, one that is about to bring upon me many changes (for the record, change and I are NOT good friends!), but I am ready for change. I am ready to get things back to a place where I feel happy/content/stable.

Here is a song that speaks to me more then ever right now. New Season by Building 429.

Somebody's speaking but I can't hear a sound. It's spinning all around and this noise is so deafening. Opening eyes to find this isn't a dream. Everything on TV is real life, it's all happening. Look in my heart to find the worst that I've seen. Still bears resemblance to me though I try. It's so hard to breathe when we're swimming in catastrophe. It's so hard to see.

So will You come to me and change my history. When You speak my name everything is changing. Cause every burden I bring feels like it's missing it's sting. When I'm with You it's like a new season of life. It's like a new season of life.

It's like a new season of life. Open my soul and then You might see the truth. That I'm still too scared to move, cause fear is paralyzing me. Still all this reaching is stretching my doubts. I'm growing closer without my pride. And it's so hard to see.

Weekend Date Update

2009-07-13T12:52:00.006-04:00

So....I had a date this weekend....and it was a GOOD one....

My friend Beth came into town for the weekend. Before I get started though I have to tell you, she was taking it serious. I like to tease her that she is often late, but she was actually not only on time, but EARLY getting to my apartment. I wasn't even home from work yet.

We went to one of the greatest concerts that I have been to in a while...

Can you guess who it is?? It's No Doubt!!! Yes, while they do not have any new material right now, who cares!! They were great!! We had a fantastic time bopping around and singing, aka screaming at the top of our lungs!! We witnessed a chick fight which I have no doubt that if she needed to Beth would have dropped the camera and protected me.

While in the parking lot, I got very frustrated at the dude who would not pull forward making it impossible for a couple of us to get out. Beth got out of the car and kindly asked the dude to move and the problem was alleviated.

After the concert, she did require that I take her to the store to purchase some forgotten unmentionables....Did you know that not all Walmarts are 24/7??? This adventure brought us back home well after one in the morning. I then whined and dined this fine lady with chips and queso and water. Hehe. After some talking it was now three in the morning and sleep was becoming apparently necessary.

We were planning to go to the zoo on Saturday, but Mother Nature clearly did not approve of our plans. I treated (it's free) Beth to a new experience...the Art Museum!! We wandered for several hours....we even picked out the men we would have gone for had we lived in the 18th century....

We decided these are the type of men who would never dain to break up with a woman...let alone by EMAIL!! Boo Boys!!

We left the Museum to venture out for food. We wanted to go to P.F. Changs...try something new. However the wait was insane and Beth couldn't wait. I believe her response was "I can tell my body is getting droopy." Haha.

We went to TGIFridays instead which turned out to be soooo yummy. Seriously...Parmesan crusted quesadillas...that's all I'm sayin'!

Beth had to head back home to prepare her Sunday School lessons. But all in all it was a great weekend!! I miss my Beth entirely too much and I hate that she moved even further away from me then before. But that just makes the time spent together that much sweeter! I love you Beth!

(P.S. I tried to write as flattering as possible...I know you were worried about ending up on here as part of the bad date review!) =)

It's NOT a Baby Ruth

2009-07-13T09:16:00.002-04:00

I WISH I could make this stuff up!!! Yesterday I nearly passed out from the horror before my eyes. My friend Red and I were lounging by the pool. We decided we were too hot to not get in. I walked home grabbed the floats real quick and we jumped in. Well that's not entirely true.... I got in. I wasn't too wussy about the cold water. So while Red stood by the side trying to get the courage to jump in, she notices something in the water off to the deep end (I was in the shallow end still). She starts incredulously screeching "Is that POOP in the pool???" Well Red is known to be a jokester. Yeah right, poop in the pool. "No seriously Steph, there is something there and it looks like poop, I swear!" You're kidding right?!! At this point I jump out for fear that she might be right and I don't want to swim over to check it out. We walk around the edge and start looking at it and discover that UNLIKE in Caddyshack it is no Baby Ruth, but is honest to goodness the most enormous human poop. AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

At this point all eight of us ladies by the pool start freaking out about it. Me most of all since I was in the pool just seconds before!!! I'm pretty sure I want to take a bath in acid water to remove any residue. We all begin fighting over who is going to get it out. One brave soul gets the net and scoops it out. Of course now it gets stuck in the net. Totally gross!

We call the maintenance man who is not on site at the time. We tell him what's up. He says that he just treated the pool on Friday night and the pool was closed all day on Saturday so there is nothing he can do. But there are so many chemicals in the pool that it would kill anything left behind. He wants to know who did it because he had checked the pool two hours before when he opened it up. We are all quite certain we know who did it. Yuck.

Needless to say the pool was ruined for me for quite some time. Especially after Red looked at me and said "You realize you were basically just floating in a giant toilet bowl right?" Thanks Red. You're the best.

Licensed Professional!!

2009-07-09T17:49:00.003-04:00

I took my CNA exam today....and I passed!! Woot woot!! I am now a licensed health care professional!! I am sooo pumped. Now I just have to find a health care job and I am golden!! Here's to my next step!

Thank you Lord for this! I am truly blessed that things are looking up!

And they call it puppy love

2009-07-08T10:32:00.004-04:00

I am puppy sitting for my neighbor's while they are on vacation this week. They had originally asked one of husband's friends to watch Rowley. B and husband's friend both called Sunday and said it wasn't working, could he come stay with me instead? I said sure, no problem. Rowley and Izzie play together almost every day anyway.

It's a little more work then I was ready for. Izzie is 5 and Rowley is only 1. Problem number one. Izzie is getting lazier with each passing day, Rowley still has a LOT of puppy in him. Problem number two. Izzie rarely ever barks unless she thinks we are in imminent danger, Rowley just likes to hear the sound of his own bark I think. Problem number three. Izzie likes to sleep at the foot of my bed, soundly through the night, Rowley likes to sleep right by my head and prances about on and off during the night. Problem number four. Izzie has a very structured (regular) bathroom routine, Rowley does not. Problem number five.

Good thing he is so cute!! : )

I will try to get a video of them this week. They like to run hot laps around the apartment, bouncing off furniture, hiding behind the couch/tables. They are too funny to watch. I never seem to have the camera with me when they are acting a fool.

Don't get me wrong, they do play well together and I love when they cuddle together. Of COURSE, whenever I do get the camera to get a pic of them cuddled together, one of them runs off. Ha! I still have five more days to go....we'll see if we all make it or not!

Here is Rowley chewing Izzie's bone that he stole and he will NOT let ANYONE get close to it. He even carried it to the bathroom with him and to bed. (left) Here is Izzie protecting us. She saw a dog outside and was convinced it was going to get us. She was making sure she was aware of all her surroundings. (right)

Frogs

2009-07-01T13:00:00.003-04:00

How many more frogs do I have to kiss to find my prince charming?!?

I will keep it brief. Let's just say I got set up AGAIN, and AGAIN it was not my most enjoyable date. Not nearly the dramatics of the putt-putt troll, but still not good. For someone who is supposedly a cute guy??..well maybe to some, but I prefer my men to have a neck! He had this horrible little hyena laugh that was like nails on a chalkboard. He kept wanting to buy me drinks despite me saying that I didn't want any. He kept carrying on about his "baby", aka the entirely too girlie dog of his (even whipped out his phone to show me a PLETHORA of pictures!). He asked me FOUR times about seeing My Sister's Keeper and if he should go. The final straw was when he starting yelling at the waitress to get something because "he has pull here". Barf. As he continued to drink, I continued to feel more nauseous.

Maybe I am just too picky? Who knows. He liked ME. He called to get my number. Thankfully a truth was EXTREMELY stretched to get me out of that one!

If this is the crap that I have to continue putting up with in the dating world, I'm done!

Wedding Crasher

2009-06-29T11:39:00.002-04:00

Yep folks, I did it, I crashed a wedding this weekend. I wish I could say it was grand, but alas I cannot.

My dad's best friend, a good family friend, uh...Sheriff, was in town this weekend (from OK). His baby sister was getting married. My parents were at the wedding and ran into Sheriff. He started inquiring about me and eventually he started CALLING me...."Hey baby girl!! It's Uncle Sheriff here!! I miiiiiiissss you. Come on over. There's plenty of food."

I tried to avoid the wedding. He continued to call over and over. "There's cute single guys!"

Yes, that's ALL the enticement I need! Ha!

Eventually he wore me down enough that I dropped what I was doing, showered and put on my wedding best to head that way.

It was the most eclectic gathering of people I have even seen! Everyone from the truly formal (maybe more so then the wedding party?) to the hillbillys in cutoff jean shorts and tennis shoes. We had the people that walked two doors down to the liquor store and smuggled their booze in...so classy that in fact at one point one girl was simply swigging out of her cheap champagne bottle because she couldn't be bothered to hide it anymore.

At one point someone caught a pile of napkins on fire from the candles on the table. There was a game played with toilet paper which turned into a fine mess of TP trails ALL over the room!

At any rate, Uncle Sheriff takes me next door to the bar and proceeds to buy me a drink, of course not until he makes a big show of if I am old enough...Ha! I know it's been a few years since I have seen him, but I am CLEARLY old enough. He grills me FOREVER about EVERYTHING as if he really were my uncle!! I survived the grilling and then he decided after he heard about the last two guys I dated and the last three horrible dates I have just endured, he's going to get to work on hooking me up with the cute single guys.....

...except there was a problem that he clearly didn't account for....they were all batting for the other team!!! What the heck am I going to do with that? In the end there was only was single, straight guy there and let's just say, no thanks!

I certainly did not have the fun that Vince and Owen did when they crashed weddings, but it was a show in and of itself!

My Sister's Keeper

2009-06-26T15:07:00.003-04:00

I don't think I am going to make it two more hours!!!! The office is real quiet today. All the guys are out for a "client" golf outing. That being said, there is no one here to entertain me on my LOOONNGG Friday at work!! I have completely lost all drive. First I don't like it here and now with me only working part-time this makes it even worse when I AM here!!! AAAAHHH!! Ha! (Side note I take my exam to get my CNA license on the 9th!! Here's hoping I pass so I can get the heck out of here!!)

Regardless, I am TOTALLY counting down....4 HOURS left until the showing of THE movie...the movie that I have been waiting NINE months for, ever since I heard it was officially going to come out. THE movie you should ask?? It's My Sister's Keeper!!!

This is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE book that I have ever read. It is the most emotionally jarring book. I took it on vacation three years ago and read it on the beach...let's just say good thing I don't know anyone in Fort Myers/live in Fort Myers or otherwise I MIGHT have to be embarrassed about the hysterics this book brought upon me!!

It's a highly controversial topic ripped straight from headlines, much like every one of Jodi Piccoult's books.

The preview for the movie nearly moves me to tears...I can only imagine what the movie will do to me! I have recommended this book to the masses over and over again...actually I have recommended not only this book, but every book of hers!

Tonight I have assembled a group of my ladies to trek to the theater and sob like fools as one. At least we have gotten some "others" to come with because for a while the group consisted of Steph, Steph, Beth and Beth!! HAHAHA!! We need to add some flavor to the mix.

I have already heard rumors and seen spoilers for the movie that do not make me ok. If you are basing a movie on a book, then do exactly that. Don't rewrite critical parts that are the CENTER of the book in order to make a HOLLYWOOD movie. Grrr. Regardless, I am all atwitter with thoughts of excitement and anticipation for this movie!!

I know...TOTAL nerd!!

This is what is holding me together while I FORCE myself to input crap into the database for another hour and forty minutes. Bleh.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Rest in Peace

2009-06-25T22:09:00.002-04:00

What a sad day. They always say it comes in threes....today proved to be true. First Ed McMahon. That was sad. He was definitely iconic. However, he did not impact me personally. Then we move on to this afternoon. B and I are online and we see that Farrah Fawcett has passed. Also sad, also made an impact on many, but also did not make a personal impact on me. At the time, I looked and B and said, it does come in threes....let's see what happens....I NEVER dreamed that a mere 2.5 hours later I would hear the news of Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson. Being from Indiana, we ALL knew about Michael Jackson, he is an ICON by all means. The King of Pop. Wow. I can only imagine that what I am feeling would be something that compares to the day the news of John Lennon's death was heard. While I found some of Michael's choices and actions beyond me, I can't help but give him the credit of his musical genius. The man was iconic...as a artist...singer...dancer.

Who doesn't remember Thriller? I can tell you my friends and I learned the dances, sang the music....There is always one of his MANY songs that you can recall throughout your lifetime. I can remember my mom and I being fans...of course my mom was a fan of The Jackson 5...that was her FIRST concert!

Regardless, I am sad that he is gone. I pray for his family, friends and fans, as well as the same of Ed and Farrah. Rest in peace.

Security brings compliments

2009-06-21T23:14:00.002-04:00

I was at Target. Didn't find what I went for. I leave the store empty handed and head towards my car. Right as I am getting in and closing the door I vaguely hear "Miss! Miss!" I think nothing of it. However, I quickly hear a rapping on my car window and it is the Target security officer!!! Holy Cow!!!?!?! What did I do?!?!? I open the door, "Yes?"

"I just wanted to let you know how incredibly beautiful you look today. That's all. Have a wonderful day and be careful driving."

I. Am. Smitten.

That was so nice of him. It's a little creepy too, but I still was overwhelmed that he went so far out of his way to give me that simple compliment.

God delivers little pick me ups just when you need them most and least expect them!

Objects in the mirror may NOT always be bigger then they appear

2009-06-20T22:18:00.003-04:00

To start, I must say I will botch this story, some how my humor doesn't quite translate into my writing, but I am going to give it a try anyway.

Ok, I will let you in on a secret. I HATE dating. I hate the whole first date thing. Meeting the new guy. I like the point where you get past that and start ENJOYING being together. I am terrible at dating. I also expect a lot and when you don't come close to meeting my expectations I am so over it. Lastly, I do not do well when I have decided very early on a date that it is not happening and then you have to be fake to get through the rest! I confess this secret for a reason.

Two days ago I went on a date. I did not know this guy. We had been emailing and talking on the phone, but had not met yet. Ok. So we decide to meet to play Putt-Putt. I was already a little put off that I had to drive way down to the south side because he was so unwilling to meet halfway. Whatever.

He calls me on the way. "Please, tell me you are running late because I am."

I'm not. Strike One.

He arrives, gets out of the car and starts walking towards me. At this point he should be getting bigger as he approaches me right, OR....he could in fact turn out to be a MIDGET!! Maybe not a midget, but given that I am 5' 2" and I was TOWERING over him, he was NOT a tall man. Yes, I was wearing heels, but if he was 5'5" like claimed, even in heels I shouldn't be almost a head taller then him. Strike Two.

"Why are you wearing heels, you are too tall!" Well I have some flip flops in the car I can change into if it is that big of a deal?

"Uh yeah, do that." Really? I guess I can do that if really want me to. Strike Three.

"Whatever." So we walk on in. "Are you really going to putt putt in those shoes?" I will go change! "No, it's fine." Strike Four.

What was he wearing? Funny you should ask! He had on a red baseball jersey, brown cargo shorts, white scrunchy tube socks and brown tennis shoes. Wait!! White scrunchy tube socks?!?! Yes folks. White socks that were so tall that were scrunched up at his ankles, like FIVE inches of socks!! Also the gray heel is hanging over the edge of the back of his shoes. Hello, short athletic socks?!? Heard of these?!?! Strike Five.

We then proceed to have a ridiculous convo with the clerk about how many games we are going to pay for. Boo.

As we start the game, I am running through my list of appropriate first date questions. Each response to the questions are literally one word grunts!! Any questions he would ask of me were all the same ones that he had already asked. Obviously didn't care. Strike Six.

He mumbled. I couldn't hear when he was talking. I kept saying "huh". He would then get about two inches from my face and repeat himself. Hello personal space?? Strike Seven.

Some how I make it through the unbearable three rounds and we start walking towards our cars. At this point he sees my temp plate and starts grilling me about why I got a new car? Is it really your business, probably not. But of course given that we have been in a relationship for a while 45 minutes now that gives him the right to start peeping in my car windows. Strike Eight.

He now is staring at my feet. "So do you really always wear heels?" Actually I do pretty much. "Do you always keep your toes all sexy? And you have WAY sexy legs just so you know. I was totally checking them out."

I want to barf. Strike Nine, Ten and Eleven.

I tell him it's time for me to go. "Where are you going, what are you going to do?" I am just going home. That's all. Strike Twelve.

"Well how about a hug?" Sure. Not here's the creepiest part and I can't convey it....it really requires a visual. He did this weird thing were he slid his hands up my arms, gave me a squeeze, another squeeze, and then ran his hands back down my arms until he was holding my hands. Uuuughggh!!! Totally want to rip my skin off!! Strike Thirteen, Fourteen,....Fifty!!!!

To conclude this magical date....

"Well I don't call, so if you want to see me again, you will have to call me." I'm old fashioned, I don't call boys.

"If you want to see me bad enough you will." At this point I have lost count of his many strikes!!

I don't call boys, but thanks for the game. And with that I jumped in the car, locked my doors and sped off.

I HATE dating.

Ah, yet another change

2009-06-12T16:32:00.003-04:00

I got a "new" job today. I got pulled into the office. And I got a "Well (supervisor) is not here, so I guess I get to talk to you. As you know Benefits is not really all that busy and doesn't have enough work for three people to do....so... (This would be the exact moment I lost all color in my face and my stomach was threatening to show everyone what I had for lunch!)...we were wondering, and this is if it is ok with you (unlike the last time you asked if it was ok!)...if you would be willing to be a floater?? (This was asked with much hesitation.)."

I actually agreed to it right away. I am soooooo bored out of mind with this job. I take little tasks that would normally take 15 minutes and try to stretch it into a least 2 hours just to make it seem like I have something to do.

I guess my boss(the OWNER!) realized that I have been here 5 1/2 years, have sonority over all but I think five people, and that I am a good worker. He to went to bat for me and told them to find something for me to do because he was unwilling to lose me. Woo -Hoo!! How's that for a slap on the back?!?

So this is their suggestion. I have to help out where needed, learn some functions for when people are on vaca. Honestly, and I want this to sound the least conceited as you can possibly take it, but I think that if anybody in this office is going to be a floater, they made a good choice with me. At some point in all my years here, I have worked at the front desk, HR, Benefits, Supplemental, Work Comp, and Payroll. The only department I haven't worked in is Finance. That's what happens when you have a boss that restructures every other year! But since I have been here so long, I am the only one left that has gone through all the changes.

I got taken to my old office to see what my replacement has been doing since I changed departments, and I must say not much!, and was asked to start cleaning up some of her messes. Yuck. But I welcome the challenge to show her that if she had done it as I had TAUGHT her to do, she wouldn't be in the predicament that's she in.

Really though, I am just happy that I will be able to fill my days. I hate time wasting, and being underutilized. Honestly, like I told my old supervisor, I would rather be a floater and busy then A. stick with what I am doing, or B. be "laid off".

...Besides as you all know, I am will only be here temporarily anyway! The world of nursing is waiting for me!!

CrAzY weekend!

2009-06-08T09:56:00.002-04:00

I had a great weekend, that was CrAzY! While it was fun filled for me, it was sprinkled with random bits of craziness. Allow me to elaborate.

Friday I played the part (well I might add!) of loser and stayed in and watched movies. Really though, sometimes, there are just those days you need to just be. You know?

Well Saturday I was at the pool for most the afternoon. I already shared the story of the "swimmer" that awoke me. Then I ventured next door for dinner with some friends. I might use that term loosely after this weekend. They introduced me to a world of drinking, aka Bullfrogs, that I had not been privy to prior, and drinking games, which sadly, I have also never been privy too. (I'm still trying to forgive them for this!) They then convince me to go to a house party with them (which is HARDER to figure yet!). Now THERE was some craziness!! I felt like I was in high school all over again!! You had loud "Yankee Girl" who accosted us with her Starbucks/Politics/Sports/Sex theories and at the end of the evening ran through the house crying. You had old neighbor dude who shared stories of my maintenance man and all his PRIORS! Yikes! You had people LOUDLY hooking up downstairs. And it got so much worse. Needless to say, we hightailed it out of there and didn't look back! We went back home, ate, and wound down for a bit. As I was walking back to my apartment and taking the dog out I noticed strangeness at the edge of the pond...why yes, it WAS three "gentlemen" taking hits on their BONG and drinking. Excellent!!

I awake yesterday to texts asking about heading to the pool. B says she has a story to tell me. She comes over and says grab your keys, we need to go check the cars. I'm sorry what?!? Apparently when the last of our friends wondered out to the car the night before they came around the corner and four "gentlemen" jumped into a running vehicle and sped off. They tell C about it but he thinks well they are gone now. Wrong. Apparently they came back because they then broke into a neighbors car and smashed out her windows. Thankfully, hers was the only one. She was up talking to the police when we came out to check our cars. Safe huh?

We eventually make our way to the pool. We are lounging in our AWESOME floats (maybe I should write a post about our AWESOME floats??) and talking....then it begins. There is a big splash, followed by yelling and a huge splash. We turn around just in time to see the dad, fully clothed, emerging with his lifeless son. Yes, folks, the little boy jumped in and was drowning. At least the parents were paying a little more then no attention and were very quick to get in there. They gave him some mouth to mouth and he was fine. Scared, but fine. Holy Cow!! I thought I was going to have to put my nursing skills to work soon, but it all worked out.

We head over to a friend's church after the pool (we had to go to hers since we might have been sleeping off our binge drinking from the night before during our service.) It was a little more then we bargained for. Turns out it was the dedication and consecration of the new building. TWO hours folks. Weird music, bishops, rabbis, deacons, master of ceremonies, African and Spanish singing, dancing in the aisles, and so much more. I have never been more out of my comfort zone in a church before!! I frankly had no idea what was going on at most points. It was a little crazy for this little ol' Lutheran!

Crazy, crazy times. I didn't say it wasn't a blast though!!

Sleeping

2009-06-06T16:19:00.002-04:00

Note: When awoken, I roar like a bear!!

B and I have a joke about not being morning people. Her husband is. So in the mornings while letting out the dogs, should I run into husband I TRY to pretend like I don't want to devour his face for the stupid smile and good morning.

It's not just the alarm waking me that makes me a grumpy gus. It's just simply being woken up period, by any means, but some things more obnoxious then others.

(I will let you in on a little secret: I am a HORRIBLE sleeper.) So when I do sleep, I want to get as much of it as I can.

That being said.

I can't stand the American Idol wannabe that awakes me with her LOUD singing and dancing upstairs. I want to sling the neighbors basketball across the lake every morning when he stands RIGHT outside my window bouncing it (Is summer break over yet?). I want to remove the clapper in the bell at the church across the street when they ring the bell at the weirdest hours. I want to duck tape the dog to the bed when she begins prancing around in her "Mommy, I want to get up and play" fashion.

However, today was ri-DONK-u-lous. I am laying by the pool. Alone. There are finally no children splashing about. I take my AWESOME new float and jump in. Somehow I fall asleep soaking in the wonderful HOT rays. This is very not my nature kind of thing to do. Regardless, some guy shows up (but note, still sleeping, don't know). He JUMPS in the pool RIGHT by me!!! It scares the poo poo out of me! I do some attractive I'm sure, arm/leg flopping and proceed to fall out of the float. Haha, right?!? Well I guess maybe to you readers this MAY seem funny.

He then looks at me and says "Oh, sleeping huh?".

Uh yeah, I WAS.

"Oh well I am going to swim laps."

I'm sorry that my sleeping in my float in one CORNER of the EMPTY pool was going to be problematic!! GRRR. Being the nice person that I am, I just get out of the pool and try to move on.

Oh no, now he wants to CHAT!!! Are you kidding?!? I want to punch him for waking me up and now he wants me to act all jovial?? I tried, honest I did, but he was one of THOSE people that clearly don't know acceptable social protocol and I preceded to have thoughts of what it would have been like to DROWN when he woke me up! Ha!!

Really though, the is becoming quite a stupid post, but I just really wanted to blow off the steam of how much I value the little bits of sleep that I do get and how I HATE to be woken up.

Enjoy your weekend ya'll!

Closure

2009-06-03T09:49:00.002-04:00

Did you at least get rid of me BEFORE you started with her? Should I take comfort in the closure that you have now provided me that you are a liar and ALSO a cheater?!?!

Ok, so this is what I WANT to say to him, but I am TRYING to be the bigger person. Just like my overwhelming desire to take his belongings, empty letters/cards, and presents and throw them out in the lake, take a picture and then text to him. I am TRYING to overcome that desire too!!

For the last couple weeks I was fueled by my hurt, disappointment and confusion. Right now I am being fueled by an uncontrollable RAGE cursing through my veins!!

I have this innate ability to always believe the best in everyone. I consistently give people more credit then they are due, making excuses for behaviors, etc. This is not just with people of the opposite sex. I want to believe that all people are good people. I know what I personally think and would do for others so I of course think people would do the same!

Because of my belief in people I am constantly getting hurt. I don't trust easily and I put a wall up to keep people out. I will let you in, but only so much. This is the way that I am with ALL people. I have had things happen in my past that have made me that way. If you knew my complete past, you would understand. Regardless, for the first time in 12 years I started to let my guard down and open up about things I don't want to remember, let alone discuss. I started to give my trust to someone. I fell for the game, I was played for a fool.

I will admit that I love easily. It is my nature and personality. I have so much love to share with others. I would like to say that I love unconditionally, and for the most part, I think I do have some success with that. I often have love for others that doesn't compare to the love they have for me. And that's ok...well not ALWAYS ok! Ha! However, throughout my lifetime I have had a great love for some friends, family members and significant others...a love that may not have ended per se, but a love that is ever changing. With my love, you get a piece of my heart...a little piece all of your own...one piece of the puzzle that completes me. I have given out so many pieces that now I am at a loss. I have been so gracious with my heart that I feel like it is missing too many pieces to ever complete the puzzle again. Does this make sense?

I don't want to say that I have become callus to the idea of love, or sharing my love with others. It just makes me hesitant to ever open up again, to any extent, to anyone. I know that is going against the spirit of me, but I am choosing to do what I can to keep from being hurt anymore, by anyone.

End Relationship?

2009-05-29T13:09:00.002-04:00

I was trying to edit some things on my facebook profile last night. When boyfriend and I had broken up, I didn't change my status. Partly because I didn't want the stupid feed on everyone's/my updates, and partly because I truly thought he would be back. In the meantime I just took the relationship link of my homepage so no one would know either way.

Well last night I clicked on my info tab and discovered that despite removing it from my wall, it does not in fact remove it from my info tab and has me listed as in a relationship. Yikes! So I went in to edit....I refused to return my setting to "single" again. I simply made it no answer so it no longer shows on my profile ANYWHERE this time.

My issue is this. We all know how hard ending a relationship is to begin with. Now we live in a society that thrives on a multimedia lifestyle. We all have our networking pages...facebook, myspace, twitter, etc...the pages where we proudly display a broad spectrum of our lives; schooling, work, pictures, interests, and statuses. So like a fool I ever so proudly took the leap and changed my status from "single" to "in a relationship" for the first time. I was very hesitant to change it and we discussed this. Regardless, after a couple of months I made the change. (And I am fairly certain that unless there is an ACTUAL ring on my finger rather then TALK of a ring I will not be changing it again!)

Then the break up comes. Heartbreaking. But now a few weeks later, just as I am past the point of drowning in my puddle of tears at the mere thought of him, I have to put myself right back in. How so?? Well...when you remove "in a relationship" from your profile you get slapped with "Are you sure you want to end this relationship?" Why no. I would not like to end the relationship, but do I get a choice? Not so much.

Here you are already in the throws of mourning this relationship and now you want me to END it all over again?!?! I like that facebook thinks that by asking me if I am SURE I want to end this relationship this will make me take a moment and ponder the relationship. Thanks for the careful consideration of making sure I am ok with my choice, but it's not really that simple.

On top of that, the questions in itself seems quite cold and callus. It's like good ol' facebook is talking down to me. Hey you, are you REALLY sure you want to end this?!?! That in itself is sad. END. What a horrifying term. What if it didn't END, but rather CHANGED?

Thank you facebook. Last night ENDED my love affair with YOU!

Interrupt This Program...

2009-05-22T10:44:00.004-04:00

I interrupt this program of almost constant whining and why me? lately to bring you this....which is still whining, but on a different level this time!

...a daily peek at my "real" life....

A conversation from the other night....

I am so fed up with the maintenance staff!! I am tired of living in fear for my well being, being too scared to walk around the building to get in my apartment. Opening the door to let Iz out being freaked out that lame goose and goosling's crazy mom are going to come attack me when I can't see it coming. That I am being left out here to be raped by some crazy lake monster where no one can see me. I mean SERIOUSLY!!! The lights have been out for two weeks, I have called twice, you have called twice, and you have called twice!!! That is just asinine. Then can we talk about the vents....I mean I have now called on this THREE times!!! I hate that as I am walking home I have to pass the vent on the side there and that FREAKING bird goes apeshit and comes flying out of the vent!! It's like I am in the movie THE BIRDS!! That movie scarred me for life and now I am living it! I'm convinced the stupid little flapper is going to come peck my eyes out and leave me on the sidewalk bleeding to death for the ever growing amounts of wildlife to come nibble on. Not to mention that when I walk to my front door there are the two more vents that are so stuffed full of crap it nearly makes me vomit in my mouth. I live in constant fear that I am going to burn down the building, or at best make a birdy kabob if I dain to run my stinking dryer. And then to boot I wouldn't be able to afford to do anything about it because my electric bill is running me into the ground having to run all my clothes through at least THREE cycles to get it all dry!!! And every time I drive by the shed and see Maintenance man out there and he smiles and waves at me, I just want to park the car and go punch him in the face for jacking around and not getting my requests done!!! How about you take your boat (which by the way, how can an apartment maintenance guy afford a boat, and why does he get to park it across FIVE parking spaces) and park the freaking thing for 5 minutes and come screw in a flipping light bulb?!?!!

This conversation went on at great length with all my neighbors as we all congregated (in the dark mind you) to discuss what the next step was going to be. Ha!!

(They must have heard us, or their ears were burning...Maintenance Man FINALLY came by at about 3 yesterday afternoon.)

2009-05-21T09:10:00.004-04:00

God bless you Uncle Kevin. Sometime during the night, my uncle's time here on earth was called to an end. While I am sad that he is no longer here, I am rejoicing that his pain and suffering has also been called to an end. It has been a mere couple of days since the one year mark. He made it much longer then anyone expected given the severity of his sickness. We all knew it was coming. This helps you to prepare. We have no doubt that he was holding out until my grandparents got back into the states. They got back on on Sunday and visited him Monday and Tuesday. I know that he was holding on until my grandparents were here to uplift my aunt when the time came. Isn't it amazing when you here these stories of people who held on until they knew it was ok.

I wanted to take the time to share a memory. As a early teen, nothing was cooler then going out of town to stay with my aunt and uncle. My uncle wanted to deeply to be the "cool" uncle. He was always telling my aunt to go get/do things for me. He would stay home and cook all evening while my aunt and I would go shopping. Then he would stay up all night talking with me....talking about whatever "teen angst" I was going through. At the time I thought it was great, but I didn't truly appreciate it until I was much older. Those were some great talks and I will always hold them dear to my heart.